|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Mother-In-Law Stories
|
Frequent
Fry HerTM
Midwest Mutineer
Age: 34 MIL
Age: 65
Wisconsin
My MIL is a Martyr-In-Training!
|
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- Midwest Mutineer /Posted: 2-SEP-01
When DH called his mother this weekend, she informed
him that she would be visiting BIL and SIL for her birthday in November.
Now, BIL and SIL live about three hours away (kind of a long drive).
I'm sure MIL expects DH and me to be there and dance attendance on
her, even though she never came out and said as much. The problem
is, DH and I are taking a vacation (our first in three years!) in
late October/early November, and we will get back late on a Saturday.
DH informed me that he then wanted to drive down on Sunday to be with
MIL. My first reaction was to gape at him. "What??"
We will have just spent an exhausting day traveling cross-country,
and then he wants to get up the next morning and log six more hours
in the car just to wish MIL a happy birthday? Use the phone,
honey!!!! I'm tempted to tell him that he should go down to
see MIL by himself - that I will stay home and unpack, shop for food
(we'll have been gone for a week), and do laundry so that we have
clean clothes to wear for work the next day. To tell the truth,
there's NO WAY I want to end what is sure to be a beautiful vacation
by seeing my MIL! Something tells me that DH won't be pleased
by this (that guilt thing is a powerful force), but I refuse to jump
just because MIL says so. However, DH still asks, "how
high?" Damn those bloody apron strings. If DH doesn't
cut them, I'm going to take the hedge clippers and sever them myself!
Signed - Those Apron Strings
Are STILL Too Tight!
( I
want my own Frequent
Fry Her TM
Page )
RESPONSE: Those Apron Strings Are STILL Too Tight!
Posted: 23-SEP-01
Think of it as a present to your husband. You
are caving for the greater good. Fewer headaches. I know
we always seem to be the ones making the sacrifices for our husband
or wives. But, since it's his mom's birthday, I would make the
sacrifice. Only because MILs have the gift of guilt trips, and
especially on a holiday or their birthdays. Suck it up this
time and do it. That's not to say always give in, but for her
birthday I would do it. Maybe your husband will appreciate it.
Maybe.
RESPONSE: Those Apron Strings Are
STILL Too Tight!
Posted: 23-SEP-01
I don't think you're being very fair here. First
off, your MIL didn't even ASK that you drive down to see her, and
yet you're mad at her! Secondly, your husband wants to take
an opportunity to see his mom on her birthday and you're complaining
the apron strings are too tight?!? Wow. Maybe you are
not very close to your own family and can't understand why he wants
to see his mom. But if I were in his shoes, I'd want to do the
same. Yes, it may be inconvenient timing since you're coming
back from vacation. But I think it would be a nice gesture to
your husband to go visit his mom with him.
RESPONSE: Those Apron Strings Are STILL Too Tight!
Posted: 28-OCT-01
Whoa there, second poster! I see exactly why
this woman is upset. Didn't her DH KNOW when his mother's birthday
was when they planned the trip? Yes, the apron strings are too
tight - mom may not have asked him to come. But DH is still
feeling the tug, or he wouldn't have made such inconsiderate plans.
It's ridiculous to drive six hours just to deliver a birthday wish
in person.
|
|
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- Midwest Mutineer /Posted: 12-JUN-01
I am so depressed this morning, and I don't know where
to turn. After MIL's latest snide little exclusory act (see
the message signed "My MIL Thinks She's Khruschev"), I decided
to have a serious discussion with DH about his mother's behavior,
and how awful it made me feel. He stated that, no matter what
MIL says or does, or how much it hurts us (or, rather hurts ME), that
we have to just smile and nod and forgive her, because, "She's
Mom," and that she won't be around forever (thank goodness!).
DH then claimed that MIL doesn't intend to hurt anyone by these actions,
and if we try to tell her that we HAVE BEEN hurt, it only serves to
drive a wedge between us. When he called her on the carpet (reluctantly,
I might add) for her last insulting e-mail (see message signed "MIL
Makes Attila the Hun Look Lovable"), he claimed that WE hurt
HER. I asked him to at least set limits with MIL. He asked
me not to do this to him. By that, I inferred that he will never
stand up to her for fear of alienating her (and calling down the wrath
of his siblings), and that no matter what slights or insults she sends
my way, he expects me to endure them without protest because, "she
didn't mean it." I couldn't believe my ears! Am I
being so unreasonable to ask him to help me, and to support me?
I feel so lost, and so very, very hurt. I love my DH, but the
thought of having to stand alone against his mother's slights and
manipulations just makes me want to cry. I plan to see my counselor
about this, but I'd also like to hear what you all have to say.
Please help!
Signed - Standing Alone
( I
want my own Frequent
Fry Her TM
Page )
RESPONSE: Standing Alone
Posted: 13-JUN-01
I am getting married soon, but the MIL is doing the
husband bashing emails and sending them to me, thinking they are funny.
I can't think of anything to do, because she is paying for the dinner.
So I just use my e-mail program and put a filter on her e-mail so
it goes directly in my trash, and I don't have to put up with her
cr@p anymore. Plus, I screen my phone calls now. Just
try to stay invisible my friend.
RESPONSE: Standing Alone
Posted: 13-JUN-01
Having the support of your DH could make all the difference
in the world. It is as though he is saying that what you feel
and think aren't as important as his mother. I felt for a long
time that my DH didn't care what his family did or said to me.
Finally, he stepped back and took a look at what was happening, and
has agreed that they are over the line. We have been much happier
ever since.
RESPONSE: Standing Alone
Posted: 14-JUN-01
You have all of us to back you emotionally. I
know the tactics these MILs use. I am pretty sure my MIL is
descended from one of the many fierce Mongol Hordes that invaded Eastern
Europe in the Middle Ages. I wanted to send her a one way ticket
to outer Mongolia.
RESPONSE: Standing Alone
Posted: 14-JUN-01
If your counselor is anything like mine, he is going
to tell you to stand up for yourself. Calmly and maturely present
your side to both your MIL and your husband. Letting your husband
know what your counselor told you helps also (it did for me.)
In my case, I finally told my husband that my MIL was HIS mother,
not mine, and I was no longer going to put myself in any situation
where I am going to get abused in any way. Simply put, I wanted
nothing to do with my MIL. He could see her, talk to her, whatever
he wanted - but I wanted to be left out. I told him that I was
going to trust the fact that, after 8 years of marriage (and 5 years
dating before that), he knew who I was and what I was about.
And I was going to trust that, no matter what his mother said to him
about me, he would know better. He agreed, and told his mother
what the deal was and why. My MIL wasn't going to stand for
that. My DH had 2 horrible visits with his mother (without me)
and 2 horrible telephone conversations with her after that.
He told his mother that he wasn't going to discuss me if I wasn't
there. My MIL's only reply was, "Your wife has destroyed
this family, and I demand that you leave her!" That was
the end of their relationship also. Believe me, my DH was the
same way as your husband in the beginning. No matter what MIL
said or did, it was "just the way Mom is" and had to be
accepted. It got so bad that I was ready to divorce my husband,
even though we had no other problems except my MIL! Before deciding
to "disown" my MIL, I spoke with counselors, my pastor,
family, friends. Not one person disagreed with me! This
really opened my husband's eyes too. However, I must tell you
that my husband has been disowned by two of his siblings because of
this. He is still very close with his father (divorced from
MIL) and one brother. Well, that was years ago, and we have
been extremely happy ever since. From time to time, I will ask
my husband if he is still OK with not having his mother in his life.
He always says, "Without a doubt!" My prayers are
with you.
RESPONSE: Standing Alone
Posted: 14-JUN-01
Your DH needs to know that YOU are not the one driving
the wedge between the two of you and your MIL. SHE is driving
the wedge between you (as a couple) and her. You two are one
individual, and he needs to make it clear to his mother that she needs
to think a little bit more about how she is speaking to the both of
you. Even though you entered the family, you two are now an
item. If MIL hurts you, the obvious fallout is that HE will
inevitably feel your pain (you can only suck it up for so long).
Since it's obvious that her idiocy is not directed personally at you
(as he's said she "just doesn't think" and, "we just
need to suck it up"), then things will only decline over the
long run if she's not aware of how hurtful her actions are.
It's also obvious that NO ONE is going to be good enough for her boy,
and if he wants to make ANY relationship work, he's going to have
to set boundaries with her immediately.
RESPONSE: Standing Alone
Posted: 18-JUN-01
I feel your agony!! I have been married nearly
nine years and my MIL has been a constant problem. My husband
seems to have no spine when it comes to his parents. I don't
know how many times my husband has said, "That's just the way
she is," or, "She means well," or, "I'm sure she
didn't mean anything by it," or, "She was only trying to
help." Yes, I'm sure she thinks she has good intentions,
but does that always make it okay? Unfortunately, my MIL is
still an issue in my marriage, but I have to say that things are better
than they were in the past. I think that the things I have learned
from all of this are as follows: As far as my marriage goes,
I would say that my husband is making an effort to consider my feelings
more concerning the time he spends at his parents' house. On
my end of things, I try not to allow myself to react with so much
anger. I have noticed that when I'm angry, that is when my husband
really goes on the defensive. If I'm calm, he can listen and
understand where I'm coming from a little better. That's not
to say that he doesn't go back to using one of those comments above,
but at least he doesn't feel attacked, and maybe sometimes I actually
get some support. As far as my MIL goes, I have learned to put
up with her personality. I have learned that much of the way
she acts really is just the way she is. She tries to give people
she doesn't even know advice, and she takes center stage in every
situation she's in (not just the ones concerning me and her baby boy).
That's not to say that I let her take over things, oh no. She
has learned her limits with me, for the most part anyway. Mostly,
I try to keep my distance from her, as difficult as she makes it.
I have never allowed myself to become too close to her because I have
always felt like it would be like selling my soul to the devil.
I would never have my own space if I didn't keep myself emotionally
distant from her. My husband has said that it bothers him that
I'm not closer to her, and I told him point blank what I just stated
above. I think I still hold a grudge for how difficult she made
things before we got married, and the fact that she has never actually
apologized for the way she behaved. She spent years trying to
convince me of what a good person she was. She used to go on
and on about how much she does for others. At my wedding reception,
the one my mom had (we let our mother's each throw a reception after
going alone to get married - whole other story, but I'll definitely
have to write it someday), my mom called my DH's parents and invited
them to come (trying to mend fences). Well, my MIL and FIL did
come for a short time. My new MIL went around telling everyone
(she didn't know anybody but my parents) about how they were good
people and they didn't like to fight with people. Everyone was
asking me and my mom what she was talking about. It seems it
would have been so much easier to just tell my DH and me that she
was sorry for everything, rather than going around like a guilty-acting
fool. She doesn't have the ability to admit she's wrong about
anything. Anyway, I just think we women give these clingy mothers
of grown men way to much power over our lives when we let them get
to us (though I'm guilty of it myself, especially when my DH can't
see things for what they really are). I really feel for you,
and I hope things get better for you. Please follow up.
I would love to know if the counseling helped.
RESPONSE: Standing Alone
Posted: 01-JUL-01
I can totally relate to your story. I have been with
DH for 10 years, and the first 6 or 7 were complete he**! My
MIL was always meddling and making critical, judgmental comments to
me, or "implying" negative things about me. When she
was called on it, she'd deny it to the hilt. For years DH told
me "she's just joking", or "you took what she said
the wrong way," or worse yet, "you're imagining things."
Not only that, but his parents expected to be involved in every aspect
of our lives; they even joked (hinted) about going on our honeymoon
with us. They'd even get mad because we would spend part of
each holiday day at their house, and then part of the day at my parent's
house, like I was supposed to disown my family when I married DH.
These are just a few horrifying examples of how my in-laws acted.
I would have to write a book to list them all. It felt like
it was me against DH and his entire family, and, like, DH cared more
about his family's feelings than mine. I was expected to treat
them with respect, and ignore their rude behavior, but they could
act however they pleased.
However, DH slowly (too slowly at times) wised up over the years and
began to notice things, but it took 6 or 7 years for him to really
begin to see how obnoxious they really are and to try and do something
about it. It was pretty bad, and I threatened leaving him because
I couldn't take my MIL's crap anymore. He finally realized how
miserable I was, and how ridiculous it was to let his parents have
control over our adult lives, so a couple of years ago he began to
set limits, like making his parents call before they came over, and
and limiting the amount of time we spent with them during each visit
to an hour or two. He and I also agreed it would be better if
I began to spend less and less time with them, and let him go visit
by himself most of the time. It got to where I only had to visit
with them about once every 4 months. Over time I could tell
this was really starting to get to them, because, despite their best
efforts, they just couldn't get back the iron fist control they used
to have over us. They became so outraged that they finally told
DH in blunt terms what they think of me (because, of course, it was
all my fault that they couldn't run our lives and meddle, and I was
"ruining" their relationship with DH). He was ticked
off that they badmouthed me (everything I ever told him they thought
about they admitted), and by the fact that they believe this is all
my doing, because, actually, he was feeling pretty good about how
he was handling things. He felt like he finally made them treat
him like an adult. He was ticked that they hated it so much,
like they just can't respect him as a man and believe that he would
expect to be treated like one. This happened about a year ago
and we haven't spoken to them since. I'm so glad they opened
their big mouths!!!!!
Anyway, I hope your DH comes around like mine finally did. I've
been in your shoes where I've felt like DH and his whole family were
against me, and it sucked!! There is hope, though. Hang
in there!
Signed - Stood Alone For A While Too, Glad It's Over
RESPONSE: Standing Alone
Posted: 03-JUL-01
Men avoid confrontation with woman at all costs, ESPECIALLY
their mothers. They never really lose that "little boy
feeling" around them because their mothers never STOP treating
them like little boys! Your husband is still trapped in the
dynamics of his childhood relationship with her and just expects you
to join him. You, on the other hand, have a right to be treated
with respect and not have to endure abuse in order to be married to
this man. It doesn't matter if she is his family, verbal abuse
is verbal abuse, and asking you to put up with it is asking you to
lose your self respect. He has NO RIGHT to ask or expect that,
and if he really thinks about it, he wouldn't want you to do that
anyway. If HE wants you both to interact and have a relationship,
then HE needs to make sure that you are both civil, which may mean
telling his mother that if she can't treat you with respect, then
he will be forced to limit contact with her. He needs to refuse
to take sides (right now he is taking hers since she is the least
rational and it is easier for him to make YOU compromise). He
needs to tell his mother that he loves you both, but that when she
is mean to you, it HURTS HIM! He will not want to do this.
He has been avoiding it at all costs and letting you suffer the consequences.
But it is time that he acted like a man, not a child, around his mother,
and set some boundaries of what is acceptable. You need to stand
firm and tell him that you are open to having a relationship with
his mother because it is important to him, but that you WILL NOT be
treated abusively anymore. And if that means no contact with
your abuser, then that is how it will have to be. Your husband's
demand that you endure continual humiliation around her on his behalf
is not worth your self-respect. Good Luck!
RESPONSE: Standing Alone
Posted: 5-JUL-01
This is response to the July 3rd poster. Well
said! Your words were some of the most intelligent, sound words
that I've ever read here. Your wisdom and balance came through,
and it sounds like you've thought long and hard about these MIL issues.
Kudos to you for a wonderful post, and for some very helpful words
for all of us. J
RESPONSE: Standing Alone
Posted: 7-JUL-01
Your DH needs to stand up for you. After all,
it's HIS mother. He is just as guilty for allowing the abuse
to continue. He is the one who needs to go to counseling to
learn how to deal with her. I feel for you, as I am in practically
the same position. I wish you luck as you deal the WW (wicked
witch, as I call mine). LOL. Hey, accept her as the b!tch
that she is, don't expect any more than that, and you won't be disappointed.
Be strong!!!!
RESPONSE: Standing Alone
Posted: 8-JUL-01
I am standing beside you because my MIL is the exact
same way. My husband and I have a beautiful 21 month old boy.
The only grandchild on both sides. Well, last Xmas,- everyone
sent their gifts EXCEPT for MIL. She lives one state away.
Her comment was, "If you want them badly enough, come get them."
I was furious, but my husband's favorite line is, "That's just
my mom." What kind of grandmother would deprive her grandchild
of gifts? It is July and she is still has the gifts and the
tree up. She doesn't make an attempt to visit at all.
The past 6 years that we have been married, she has been up maybe
3 times. We have to go to HER WORLD. My husband, like
yours, needs counseling to learn how to be a husband and father and
to "cleave to thy wife, and leave thy mother." We
just had a big blowout (Friday, July 6) over his mom, and I am packing
for me and my son, and going home. As a friend who has a husband
who does counseling said, "Give him a reality check - that you
won't be around to push around." God Bless you, and whatever
you do, don't lose your self, your self-respect, and dignity for anyone.
RESPONSE: Standing Alone
Posted: 16-JUL-01
I know exactly how you feel. It's hard to say
what to do about it though. I went through this with my husband
for a long time. It wasn't until he realized what a jerk his
mother was being that my relationship with H grew. Now, any
battle I have to fight her is done with him on my side. It's
practically impossible to fight your battles against the MIL alone
without looking like the bad guy. I just want you to know that
you aren't the only one, and that I wish you good luck.
RESPONSE: Standing Alone
Posted: 16-JUL-01
Regardless of who a person is, or what their title
is (e.g. MIL), it does not give them the right to be mean. You
have to give respect in order to get it in return. You don't
automatically receive it just because you're someone's mother.
MILs think they have all the rights in the world, and we DILs have
none. I can't live with that.
|
|
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- Midwest Mutineer /Posted: 11-JUN-01
Well, my MIL is at it again. I thought she'd
give us a break after her latest stunt. Knowing that DH and
I are not planning to have kids, she sent us an anniversary card with
pictures of her other grandkids inside - no check, no gift, nothing
except a heavy dose of guilt. Today we received a card from
her in the mail. It was addressed only to DH, who handed it
to me after he opened it. MIL had "accidentally" forgotten
to send this check (for a very small amount) with our anniversary
card. Nice? At first glance, yes. But then, we realized
that the envelope, the card, and the check were addressed ONLY to
DH! There was no mention of me anywhere on what she claimed
was our ANNIVERSARY gift. I guess I'm persona non-grata with
her, but at this point I don't care. If she wants to start another
Cold War, that's fine with me. The less contact I have with
this witch, the better. I'm heartily sick of her manipulations.
But watch this space. MIL has asked DH to attend an award dinner
on her behalf next week, and he wants me to go along. Hmmm.
Spend an entire evening listening to other people expound on my MIL's
virtues?! Oh, this ought to be good!!!
Signed - MIL Thinks She's
Kruschev
( I
want my own Frequent
Fry Her TM
Page )
RESPONSE: MIL Thinks She's Kruschev
Posted: 14-JUN-01
What did the first anniversary card say that was the
"heavy dose of guilt" that you mentioned? Why are
you upset about receiving pictures of your nieces and/or nephews?
With the second card, my mother in law addresses everything to me
(any checks are in my name, etc.). This is because it is easier
to have one name than two. She knows that what's mine is his
and what's his is mine. I don't think it is unusual or insulting
at all. If it was just your name on the envelope/check, this
would not be such an issue. What is the award for?
RESPONSE From Poster: MIL Thinks She's Kruschev
Posted: 15-JUN-01
This is the original poster responding to the author
of the June 14th response. I'm going to be patient with you,
because you obviously have not read my other postings about my MIL.
In the past, my MIL has sent us checks and/or gifts for our anniversary,
and everything (cards AND checks) has been addressed to BOTH of us.
Now, suddenly, we got an anniversary card with nothing inside but
pictures of our nieces/nephews from a recent family gathering (one
which we didn't attend). It would have been even nicer if she'd
sent photos of EVERYONE who was there. The fact that she sent
photos of JUST HER GRANDKIDS in our anniversary card (a card she barely
managed to sign this year) made me wonder. Then, later, she
sent the check to DH, and only DH, after previously sending everything
to both of us. Get the picture now? And, as for the award,
my MIL used to work at a local Catholic high school for a number of
years, and they're giving her a service award. I'm going.
It won't be for my MIL, but to support my DH. And I suggest
that you read my entire history with this witch before passing judgment
on me. Capisce?
RESPONSE: MIL Thinks She's Kruschev
Posted: 18-JUN-01
Whoa, Coyote, lay off the previous poster! MIL's
really getting to you, girl! You're right. We need to
read your previous posts. I agreed with the previous poster
until I read your dossier, the previous posting of IL transgressions
you're experiencing. Your posting above sounds like not such
a big deal, out of context of the rest of your postings. But
when you add it to the rest of the cr@p you've undergone, your irritation
makes sense. But you have to forgive us if we can't remember
every piece of cr@p you've had to wade through. I want you to
know, a number of us feel for you. I'm totally in the same boat.
It's like Chinese water torture. Your MIL does these little,
irritating things until finally, you can't tell what to blow off,
you can't tell if she's trying to slight you on purpose, and all you
know is, SHE'S MAKING YOU CRAZY. And you never know when to
expect it. DH says, "It's just a water drop," and
you're screaming, "But it's making a dent in my skull!"
And, it's hard to blow off the guilt trips. If it was just a
matter of blowing her off, reveling in the fact that she makes herself
as miserable as she's made me at times, then I could even welcome
the guilt trips she tries to put us on. But she hurts her boy,
who's married to me. And that, ultimately, hurts me. By
the way, doesn't your e-mail have a "Block Sender" thing
where you can block anything coming from her? Tell her that
you "accidentally" put her on the "Block" list,
then go through a series of mishaps trying to get her off. Never
succeed in taking her off "block sender." Good luck
to us all. God help us all.
RESPONSE: MIL Thinks She's Kruschev
Posted: 20-JUN-01
I completely understand the poster's pain. My
MIL also does insidious little things like sending cards only addressed
to DH. In fact, for Easter she did the reverse: She sent
a basket addressed to both of us, but it was filled with just socks
and underwear for DH. Now if that isn't a game, then what is!?
Also, my MIL recently sent a framed picture of DH's sisters to him.
My dh agreed that it was a guilt-trip, especially since we've made
it clear we want no contact with her. She sent a little note
that read, "To DH, remember your real family. Love, Mom."
Give me a break! The original poster has a manipulative and
power-tripping MIL. She has the right to feel hurt and angry.
And for your info, I didn't have to read any of her other stories
to understand her pain. It seems obvious that the MIL is playing
games!!!
RESPONSE: MIL Thinks She's Kruschev
Posted: 21-JUN-01
First of all, I am coyote and have not responded to
this story before. So whoever wrote the June 18th posting, relax,
I have my own MIL issues to deal with, especially with people have
been coming down hard on me and calling me irresponsible. I
don't appreciate it, so I wouldn't do it to someone else. If
you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all.
Especially when people are coming here to vent. They don't need
to be scolded. Secondly, to "MIL thinks she's Kruschev",
I can totally relate to this. One of my pet peeves is getting
the card I always get from my MIL directed to son and daughter-in-law.
I've explained that I feel left out or deliberately set apart from
this, so what does she do? She went out and bought a daughter-in-law
card for my birthday. This woman expects me to call her "mom",
but she continues to make me feel like I'm not one of the family.
It may be hard to understand, but you would have to know this woman.
The last thing I would want to do is listen to any virtues of my MIL
either. Please, what a joke! Also, that was very strange
to have sent pictures of her nieces and nephews for an anniversary
card. Is she trying to hint towards something? Good Luck!
RESPONSE: MIL Thinks She's Kruschev
Posted: 21-JUN-01
RRRGH! I tell ya, nothing gets me madder than
when in-laws try to impose their views about whether you should have
children or not. My husband and I are not planning on having
any. I told my MIL that (before we got married) and she said,
"I'll have to talk to DH about that." He's a flippin'
ADULT for God's sake, and I'm sure he knows what he wants and what
he doesn't want. Never give in just based on what your MIL wants,
because she'll never be happy, no matter what you do. Plus,
you'll be stuck caring for the baby most of the time, and probably
getting irritating advice to boot. My MIL just wants grandkids,
and it is a purely selfish maneuver on her part. She even said
that if there ever was an "accident", she would adopt the
baby! Of all the nerve! I told my mom that, and she couldn't
believe it. My mom said, "Well, I guess she doesn't know
you have a side of the family as well". She's so self centered.
But, she got what she asked for, and boy did she ever! My loser
BIL got his girlfriend pregnant (they did it on purpose), and now
she doesn't want to have anything to do with loser BIL. And,
there is a big custody fight about it too. So, now MIL has to
fight to see her grandchild. She should be careful what she
asks for, she just might get it.
RESPONSE From Poster: MIL Thinks She's Kruschev
Posted: 22-JUN-01
This is the Midwest Mutineer, the original poster of
"MIL Thinks She's Kruschev", and I wanted to thank everyone
who supported me on this issue. My MIL is a consummate manipulator
who uses guilt as a deadly weapon. In the 10 years I've known
her, I've seen her use almost every sneaky, underhanded, guilt-inducing
ploy in the book in order to get her family to do what she wants.
This woman has driven me to get counseling - which, fortunately, saved
my sanity and allowed me to set my own limits with her. To Coyote
- I'm beginning to wonder if our MILs are clones of each other.
Does that make us soul sisters, united by the bonds of pain?
Mine sends cards to "son and daughter-in-law" too, for every
occasion, Christmas, Easter, you name it. And I get "daughter-in-law"
cards FOR MY BIRTHDAY, too! Arrggh! And I used to call
this witch "mom" - her idea, not mine! No more of
that. To add to these frightening similarities, DH and I recently
paid off a loan to MIL. She gave us money towards the down payment
on our house. We paid her back in full, AND we managed to take
a few vacations and HAVE SOME FUN along the way. Your finances
are your own business. No one has the right to criticize you,
especially when you came here looking for support. NO ONE needs
to be torn apart by complete strangers when one's MIL is doing a perfectly
good job of that herself! So stick to your guns, girl, and stay
strong. And God help us defend ourselves and our sanity against
control-tripping, manipulative MILs. Amen.
|
|
Posted: 7-JUN-01
My martyr-MIL strikes again! Despite her apology,
she's still ticked off at us for missing the last family get-together,
and the resulting e-mail debacle (see the message signed "My
MIL Makes Attila the Hun Look Lovable"). This week, DH
and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary. We view this as
no small feat. We have recently overcome some serious problems
in our marriage, and are now more committed to each other than ever
before. But my MIL is still trying to stir the pot! In
the past, both my parents and my MIL have sent us something for our
anniversary - a small gift, or a card with a check enclosed.
Neither of us are really gift-oriented. We're very thankful
that our parents think so much of us to send us something for our
anniversary. This year, my parents sent us one of those neat,
upscale 4-slice toasters with the electronic controls - they've seen
firsthand the old, battered, spark-emitting toaster we've been using
since our dating days. You wanna know what we got from MIL?
She sent us a card all right, with pictures of all her other grandkids
enclosed. No check, no gift. She barely even managed to
sign the card. Subtle, huh?! I should add that DH and
I have made a conscious decision not to have children. His mother,
being a very conservative Catholic (and my apologies to all the devout
Catholics out there), won't accept this. If I could only tell
you how many times I heard, "When are you going to give me some
grandchildren?" after we got married! I have to chuckle
at this. If MIL is trying to freeze us out, then I couldn't
be happier!
Signed - Her Ploy Won't
Work!
RESPONSE: Her Ploy Won't Work!
Posted: 8-JUN-01
I know exactly how that feels. There is nothing
in the world wrong with not having children. My best to you,
and happy anniversary too. My in-laws never acknowledged any
of our anniversaries. I would rather be in my shoes than yours.
But I did get nagged at, about having a baby, in her hinting ways.
Ouch, as she would always talk about her sister's grandchildren and
her friend's.
RESPONSE: Her Ploy Won't Work!
Posted: 8-JUN-01
I was just sitting here reading your story. Congrats
on being married for 8 years!! My H and I have been married
for 16 years, and my mil has never even TOLD us, "Happy Anniversary!"
No call, not to mention cards or gifts. It hurts doesn't it?
I have gotten her and my FIL cards and gifts before for their anniversary,
but ours is nothing to them L.
|
|
Posted: 7-JUN-01
Once again, my MIL has proven that she doesn't think
her married children should have lives of their own, that we should
attend each and every family function, no matter where it is, no matter
when or what the cost. Death might be an acceptable excuse,
but even then I bet she'd make us get a note from St. Peter.
The latest debacle? Oh, this is a doozy. MIL's married
children (except us) have started to have children of their own, and
she's absolutely delighted to be a grandmother. She's a widow,
and has let us know, in no uncertain terms, that grandchildren are
now her reason for living. My youngest BIL and his wife christened
their first child last fall. Since DH was the boy's godfather,
we made a special effort to get there. A few family members
couldn't be there for the christening, but amazingly enough, MIL didn't
make a big deal about their absence. I thought she was starting
to change her ways. How silly of me. This spring another
nephew was due to be christened on the West Coast. Since I'm
going to a pricey professional conference this summer, DH and I figured
we couldn't afford to spend $1200 on two tickets to spend a weekend
out west. Besides, no one had kicked up much of a fuss when
some other family members missed the last christening, right?
WRONG! We spent Easter with BIL and SIL and DH's godson, and
MIL was there too. Even though we'd made it clear months ago
that we could not attend the West Coast christening, she still tried
to guilt us into coming. She told us that they were planning
to have a family picture taken, and wouldn't it be nice to have everyone
there for it? In addition, they were going to throw a 40th birthday
party for one of his sisters, whose birthday was the end of the month.
NONE OF THIS had been mentioned to us earlier. Still, we stuck
to our guns and told her that we were not going to be able to be there.
Since the christening was set for Mother's Day weekend, I figured
I'd better send MIL her gift a little early. DH doesn't pick
out cards or gifts for his family anymore, but lets me do it - no
more of that, I can tell you! At any rate, I ordered a lovely
collection of plants (tulips, daffodils, etc.) in a ceramic cachepot
from a well known, upscale, mail order company, and sent it posthaste
to her house. Just in case, I sent her an e-mail to let her
know it was on the way, on the off chance that she might have already
left for the christening when it arrived. Mother's Day (and
the christening) came and went. I reminded DH to call his mother
out West, but he forgot. No way am I going to start calling
"his" mother for him! But, since he didn't call, I
figured we were both in deep trouble. And boy, was I right.
A few days later, I got an e-mail (and this is the message that prompted
me to delete anything I get from my MIL) from my MIL, sent ONLY to
me, not to me and DH: "I'm sorry to have to tell you that
your Mother's Day gift basket arrived after I left for (the West Coast)
and was kept at my neighbor's house, unopened, until today when I
got home. It's very sad looking, all yellow. I've put
it into an airy place so maybe it will perk up. Next year, it
would probably be better to either send it early or later, if I'm
going to be away. We missed you two on Mother's Day. I
was surrounded by all of my children, except for you. That made
me very sad, especially when we posed for a family picture.
We were trying to figure out when we'll all be together again for
any occasion, and couldn't come up with a possible time, unless somebody
has another baby/christening. Anyway, thanks for the thought."
This woman isn't just an expert manipulator, this is a master at work.
In one message, she managed to convey that 1) Our gift wasn't
good enough. 2) We're bad children for not being there
and that we made her sad (which is so much more guilt-inducing than
name-calling or threats). And 3) That we should have a
baby so that the whole family can get together again. And she
sent this message directly to me, and only to me! I was FURIOUS!
Absolutely, positively LIVID! I printed the message and showed
it to DH who crumpled it up and threw it away. He said the best
way to deal with it was to ignore her. Later, he said that he
would deal with it. At the time, I agreed. The less contact
I had with this witch, the better. THEN, the next week, MIL
called! We have caller-ID so I knew it was her, but DH didn't
want to pick up the phone. Now, if MIL gets our answering machine,
she'll turn around and try to call DH's cell phone, and will keep
pestering us until we respond. Since DH still hadn't "dealt
with" her, I was getting angrier with every ring. Not wanting
to prolong this, I answered the phone and passed it right off to DH.
He wasn't happy, but he took it. He very calmly explained to
MIL how unhappy her message made us, and that she is very good at
using guilt as a weapon. She denied everything, then accused
me of deliberately sending her flowers late so they'd be dead when
she got them. What??! She's lucky she got a gift at all!
Then, she claimed that she'd never meant her e-mail to sound guilt-inducing.
Riiiight. When DH got off the phone, he said that MIL had apologized.
OK. But I would have liked for her to apologize to me in person.
After this little display, I will never again go out of my way to
be nice to this woman. If DH wants to get her a Mother's Day
or a birthday card, then it will be up to him. I'll be civil
to MIL, but more than that she should never expect. DH says
that this incident saddened him, but that we should forgive her because,
"she's my Mom." I might be able to forgive her, given
time, but I sure as he!! won't be able to forget! I know now
that I am going to have to take more of a stand against MIL myself.
While DH is in my corner, he's not going to set any boundaries with
his mother. As much pain as it will cause him, I now realize
that "I" will have to put my foot down against her abuse.
No more. I've learned my lesson.
Signed - MIL Makes Attila
The Hun Look Lovable
RESPONSE: MIL Makes Attila The
Hun Look Lovable
Posted: 8-JUN-01
I learned the same lesson as you. My SIL (BIL's
wife) called me to see what our plans were for Mother's Day, because
her mother was having a BBQ for her whole family and she wanted to
make plans. This was two weeks before Mother's Day. I
told her that we hadn't made any plans yet. (Note: Every
holiday, my MIL always waits until the last minute to see what my
mom was planning, so she could ruin the plans. "Your mom
is planning dinner at 5? But I am doing mine at 5:30!" .
You get the picture. We live out of town, so that adds to the
"fun"!) So my SIL and I decided that this time we
would make the plans ourselves and MIL would just have to agree.
This time, my husband, my BIL, his wife, and I said we would take
my MIL for a nice dinner on Saturday night and spend the evening with
her - then on Sunday, I could visit with my mom and my SIL could go
to her family BBQ (my husband's other siblings could spend Sunday
with my MIL). We OK'd the plans with our husbands and decided
to call our MIL that day (giving her two weeks notice). Easy
enough, right? NOT!!! She was as pleasant as could be.
She said that it was fine with her. Anyway, Saturday we came
into town. My husband tried calling my MIL, but couldn't reach
her. We tried all afternoon, but no answer. My husband
called his brother to see if he knew anything. Nope. They
both decided to just keep trying. That evening (about 7), my
husband finally spoke with my MIL. He told her the name of the
restaurant where we were to meet. Her response was, "There's
just no way I can make it tonight. I was invited to a BBQ today,
and I just got home. I'm too tired and full to go out now."
My husband was angry and just said, "Well, good-bye then,"
and hung up the phone. He phoned his brother to tell him, and
my BIL said that it was her loss. They were not going to change
their plans for Sunday. My husband agreed. The next day
at my mother's house, we all helped prepare the BBQ and were having
a great time, until the phone rang. Guess who? My MIL
wanted to know where we were and when could she expect us at her house.
She told my husband, "After all, it is Mother's Day, and I am
just as important as her mother." I told my husband he
could go if he wanted, but I was staying at my mom's house.
It was not fair to my mom or to me to have to change our plans just
because my MIL decided to blow us off. My mother suggested that
my husband invite his mother to our BBQ - that way we could all be
together. Thankfully, he went to make the call. Her response
was that she would attend, but he had to go and get her and visit
with her alone first (my MIL is not old and perfectly capable of driving).
I suggested he go and visit her and then come back without her.
There was no need for her to attend my family's party if he had to
go over there anyway. He agreed, but she wasn't going to allow
that. After he left her house, she came alone in her own car.
She walked into my mother's house without knocking or saying hello
to anyone. She walked right over to where my husband was sitting
and sat on his lap! She acted like it was her party. She
treated my mother like a servant. "This food is cold, warm
it up for me. This drink is warm, I need more ice!"
Disrespectful and rude doesn't even begin to describe her behavior.
My husband was too embarrassed to move and my mother was too respectful
of my husband to say anything to my MIL. It would have been
a horrible afternoon, but while my MIL was in the bathroom, my uncle
announced that he couldn't wait to, "see what ACT 2 of the entertainment
would bring 'cause this witch couldn't be for real!" After
that, we just laughed at everything she did and said, like it was
all a joke, and finally, she left. When my husband and I finally
got home on Sunday night, there was a message on our answering machine
from my MIL. She was demanding an apology for her horrible day,
and demanding that, "Next year, I will decide how you spend Mother's
Day!" (Please note that my MIL's other children didn't
get this treatment.) Anyway, the following year I had my child,
so I celebrated Mother's Day at my home and invited my mother over
for dinner. My MIL got a card. The best news is that since
then, my husband and I have mutually agreed that having someone like
my MIL involved in our lives is like slowly digesting poison - it
makes you sick all the time and ultimately kills you! So, we
no longer have anything to do with her. She is not welcome near
us or our children. What a wonderful change it has created in
our lives! I saw a bumper sticker the other day that sums it
up. It read, "Life is to short to deal with A$$holes".
Too true.
|
|
Posted: 7-JUN-01
Not only does my MIL attempt to guilt us into coming
to visit (which has the opposite effect for me), she has just discovered
the joys of e-mail. Now that she has moved to the East Coast
(she used to live in the same city as DH and I - horrors!), she has
very little to occupy her time. She has a part-time job, but
it's not enough! So, she spends most of her time on the computer,
either playing video games or surfing the Internet and sending e-mail
to her children. Gawd, she's the worst "spammer" I
know. I can get as many as five to ten junk e-mail messages
(cute or religious-themed stories, unsolicited advice, etc.) from
her in one day. My DH has stopped reading all this spam she
sends out. He works in sales, and gets an average of 50 emails
from clients a day. He doesn't need MIL adding to the load!
Now MIL has gotten it into her head that e-mail is a better way to
communicate than the phone. She will ask us, via e-mail, to
do things for her. Now that DH is no longer acknowledging her
messages (and he's told her why he does this), she's started sending
ME things (I work from home) to pass along to DH! What am I,
his secretary?! Like the fact I work from home (I'm a novelist
AND a full-time homemaker) means that I have all this spare time?
NOT!!! And if "I" have the temerity to ignore her
emails, she'll send a snippy little message that says something like,
"Why are you ignoring my e-mail?" Then why doesn't
she pick up the phone? Well, I had the last word. I put
her e-mail address in my "kill" file - anything she sends
me automatically gets deleted! Big grin.
Signed - You've Got MIL-Mail!
|
|
Posted: 7-JUN-01
Has this ever happened to any of you? Whenever
we go out to visit MIL, she presents us with a list of things that
need to be done around her house - like repairing a door that scrapes
along the floor, staining the deck, sanding/painting the faded siding,
etc. She is wealthy enough to afford to have these things done
right away by a professional. But instead, she puts things off
(and lets things worsen) just so she can ask her visiting relatives
to do it for her, as if she's too frail and weak to pick up a phone
and hire someone?! She's in her 60s, and is fairly healthy and
active. If any of us show reluctance, she'll go off and say
that she's not asking very much, and that she supposes she could call
someone - but that would cost money, and wouldn't it be so much easier
if we just took a few minutes to do this for her? Now I dread
going to visit her even more than I already did. When DH and
I show up, DH, of course, wants to help his mother out. So
he will drop everything to take on her "to do" list.
A few years ago, we decided to visit MIL in late summer/early fall,
because we wouldn't see her at Christmas (not that she didn't complain
about that, mind you). So we went out there with plans to both
spend time with her, and do some sightseeing. Well, she gave
DH such a list that he spent a couple of days doing these chores,
and since he didn't want my help, I was left alone to steam.
When I complained, he said I was being selfish, and that his mother
needed these things done. Selfish?! It's selfish to want
to spend time with one's DH on one's vacation?! After a screaming
argument and more than a few angry tears on my part, DH came to the
reluctant conclusion that, yes, it probably was unfair of him to leave
me alone on our vacation while he ran errands for Mother. It's
taken him a while, but now he's started to see through his mother's
manipulations. She still tries, of course. Every once
in a while, she'll mention that she's "started a list" for
the next person who comes to visit. Sheesh! You'd think
she'd get a clue as to why no one wants to visit her!
Signed - MIL Uses Family
as Slave Labor
RESPONSE: MIL Uses Family as Slave Labor
Posted: 8-JUN-01
That reminds me of my FIL's mother. The sad
thing is that her list is only for him. She just wants to visit
with his brother. So, my poor FIL (who is a WONDERFUL man),
who doesn't have a lot of money to travel as often as his brother,
ends up spending his vacation working like a dog. Meanwhile,
when his brother (twin brother, I might add) visits, they wine, dine
and have all sorts of good family time. My FIL would never complain,
but it just seems so wrong. I guess his mother trusts his capabilities
more than his brother's. Who knows!?!?!?
|
|
Posted: 7-JUN-01
Thank goodness for this site. If I don't vent
to someone about this, I'm going to run stark raving mad. You
see, my MIL is a would-be martyr - she is a master manipulator who
uses guilt as a deadly weapon, and I should have seen it coming long
ago. Before I get into the horror story itself, let me give
you some background. My DH comes from a very close-knit family.
He has five brothers and sisters, and a very conservative Catholic
mother (his father died in 1990). Although I have two brothers,
they are so much older than me that I was raised as practically an
only child. My parents live on the West Coast, my MIL on the
East Coast. We live in the Midwest. DH and I had been
dating for only a couple of months when Christmas rolled around.
I had already met DH's family. I'd been invited over for Thanksgiving,
and been given a very warm reception. But Christmas was different.
DH's family always got together for Christmas. I had just finished
graduate school and couldn't always afford to fly home, so I had gotten
used to celebrating Christmas without my folks. But this year
DH didn't want me to spend Christmas alone. So he asked his
mother if I could spend Christmas with them. My FMIL replied
that Christmas was "for family only," and that I would not
be welcome. OK. I see the reasoning in that. After
all, I had met them only once, and Christmas is a very family-oriented
holiday. I didn't want to be an interloper. Bless his
heart, my DH spent the early morning with his family, then promptly
left them midmorning to spend the rest of Christmas day with me.
This decision ticked my then-FMIL off big time! Now, the next
chapter. Once we got married, I soon realized that my MIL expected
us to drop everything and show up at her place for the holidays.
This meant both Thanksgiving AND Christmas. DH and I were typical
newlyweds - living in a tiny apartment and struggling to pay off student
loans and still make ends meet. To make matters worse, one of
my BILs died the day after Christmas in the same year DH and I got
married. This was a real tragedy - my BIL was newly-married
himself, and died of a strange wasting disease. He was a great
guy, and still very young. His death hit everyone quite hard,
but my MIL most of all. While I understand her grief (and I
grieve with her), she has used her loss as a guilt-inducing tool.
If we told her we could not make it for Christmas (for financial reasons,
or just because we wanted to be alone together), she'd whine that
she just wanted her family to be together at Christmas, that she didn't
want to be alone for this holiday because of all the bad memories,
etc., etc. This worked for the first couple of years after BIL's
death. After a while, I began to dread going to the East Coast
for the holidays; it meant having to deal with MIL's "my life
is over" attitude, and perpetual, unassuaged grief. I know
what a blow her son's death was to her, and I empathize with her,
but after five years of the same "poor me" syndrome (and
no abatement of mourning), my sympathy began to wear thin. At
that point, I put my foot down and told DH that we would NOT cater
to his mother's whims over the holiday, that I wanted to see MY family
for a change, and that, if he didn't want to alternate families over
the holidays, then he could go to his mother's for Christmas, while
I flew out to the West Coast. That shocked him, I think, because
he bought into his mom's grief game and didn't want her "to be
alone" at Christmas. But I made him realize that "I"
had every right to want to spend as much time with my family as he
did with his, so we agreed to alternate Christmases with our respective
families. Whew. Of course, MIL did not take this well.
And, as more of her children began to get married and couldn't show
up for every single Christmas, she started to complain that "the
family never got together any more," and that she was so lonely
in her great, big house that she'd built for the express purpose of
entertaining her family. Gee, don't married people get a life
of their own? Not according to my MIL! We've managed to
pull away from those suffocating confines. And honestly, right
now we much prefer to spend Christmas at home, alone, just the two
of us. But, of course, the holidays wouldn't be complete without
a phone call from MIL, who has to tell us that things just aren't
the same without us, and how much she really misses us and hopes we
can be together again soon. Arrrrghhhhh!!! How much smothering
can a person stand? Stay tuned!
Signed - Should Have Seen
It Coming
RESPONSE: Should Have Seen It Coming
Posted: 8-JUN-01
I hate the holidays for the same reason. You
just don't like this woman, and it's hard for you because of your
DH. Why are the holidays the time that they seem to be lonely?
She says that because she isn't getting the response she wanted and
she can't face the change. It should be what we want to do as
adults. Wait 'til you have children, she will really expect
you to just lug everything to her place. And from there, she
will be the gatekeeper, because DH will think mom knows all about
babies. Try to ignore her as much as possible and let DH deal
with her. Let him visit alone sometimes. And do what you're
doing, stay home alone and have a peaceful day.
RESPONSE: Should Have Seen It Coming
Posted: 11-JUN-01
I am in the same boat as you with regards to the holidays.
When I first met my husband, we spent Christmases with his family,
as my parents had just gone through a divorce. When our children
came along, things changed, of course. My MIL insisted that
EVERY Christmas be spent at her house, even if that meant traveling
a distance (over an hour) with a sick child. She did not care.
She wanted everyone at her house for Christmas. Period.
That was almost ten years ago. The one time I stood up to her,
she didn't speak to my husband for several months. He declared
that we had marital problems because of this. Unfortunately,
he's a real wimp when it comes to her demands. She still expects
everyone to cater to her, although she's in for a big surprise this
year. We will not be going to her house for Christmas at all.
My DH has finally agreed to alternate between families during the
holidays. It only took 15 years! We'll see how it goes.
I wouldn't be surprised if she throws a fit and insists that we come
there. The kids and I won't - DH can go if he wants to.
However, if he chooses his mother over his family, it may be the last
straw with me. This pattern has been a problem since we had
kids. I am sick and tired of this woman and her son manipulating
my life. Now, FIL is ill and they are beginning to use that
as a guilt-trip to get more favors, so I will have to deal with it.
More later.
|
|
|
|