To Help The Red Cross Click Here
Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.

 
mother-in-law stories bd10358.gif
Back To Mother-In-Law Stories Home Page
Mother-In-Law Stories
Frequent Fry HerTM
mother-in-law stories bd10358.gif
June Bride
Age: 24    MIL Age: 65

FMIL is a Cow!

frequent fry her - June Bride Frequent Fry Her TM. - June Bride 1 of 4/Posted: 3-NOV-01
My FMIL is a redneck, backwards, tacky person!  She is so rude and tasteless that it makes my skin crawl!  She has no idea of what it means to be a lady or to have manners.  Her behavior is awful!  I am getting married this coming summer, and I have done a great job, IMHO, of planning my and FDH's day.  The only thing his mother is responsible for is the rehearsal dinner.  Well, since the wedding is taking place in my hometown, she asked me to research some restaurants that would hold a rehearsal party (she lives 6 hours away).  Well, I found several restaurants and reception halls that would agree to do our party, and they varied in price.  After I sent them to her, I told FDH that we should just let her choose where she wanted the dinner, and go with what she decided.  Well, we did, and she ended up choosing our favorite restaurant!  I did not let her know it was a favorite (in fear she would change her mind out of spite), and I said it was okay.  I thought it would be nice if I invited her and FFIL up one weekend with FDH (I was trying to show FDH that I was putting her past fits and bad behavior behind me).  Well, even though I was being nice and trying, she turned the invite around and complained the entire weekend.  If it wasn't the hotel room she was in, it was something else.  Well, I even was bold enough to take her to where the wedding and reception will take place.  I was hesitant to do so, because I had a feeling she would criticize everything, and I was scared I would slip and yell to her, "Who is paying for this wedding?  MY PARENTS - NOT YOU.  SO SHUT UP!"  Well, all she said about the place was that it was "pretty".  I guess it could have been worse.  She didn't say anything else about the place, and that is fine.  Anyway, Saturday night FDH and I took her and FFIL to the restaurant that she chose for the rehearsal dinner.  The whole reason she came up that weekend was to check the place out and arrange for the dinner to take place.  Well, we got there and sat down and gave the waiter our order.  We were talking, and I was trying to answer the questions FMIL had about the place as best as I could.  I had ordered iced tea and asked the waiter to bring me a lemon for my tea (and there was NO hurry).  Well, after a while, FMIL saw that no lemon had been brought to the table, and the food was taking longer than she expected to get out to us.  I explained that this was a nice restaurant, and it was busy, so it might take longer than usual to get our food.  I told her the wait was worth it.  She snubbed her nose up at me when I said this.  OH WELL!  The hostess walked by and filled our water glasses, and FMIL asked her loudly and rudely, "Can you please go get her some lemon.  We have asked twice and no one will bring her any."  Okay, #1.  I am the one who asked, and I only asked ONCE!  #2.  Why does she care if I get the stupid piece of fruit anyway?!?  Well, the hostess came back and slammed the plate down with lemons on it.  Now, granted, that was rude of her, and she should have been more professional.  Well, my FMIL turned around and yelled at her as she was walking away, "ARE YOU ILL??!?!?!?"  Everyone around us turned and looked at us!  FDH and I wanted to crawl under the table.  I guess, now that I think of it, I should have walked out of the restaurant.  Well, FMIL did not just stop there, she whipped out a small notebook and started writing down everything that was going wrong that night, and was ready to complain to the manager.  She was rude the rest of the night to the poor waiter, and while we were walking out, she found the owner.  Instead of taking her aside and quietly discussing what had happened, my FMIL talked to the owner loudly and rudely in front of customers waiting to be seated!  That is when FDH and I walked out and waited for her and FFIL at the car!  He asked later on that night, when we were alone, if it was wrong that he was humiliated by his mom.  I said, "No, you have the right to be.  And, to be honest, I almost walked out."  I proceeded to tell him that I helped his mom all I could with this, and this is now her problem.  I told him that if she doesn't choose this restaurant for the dinner, I would not help her anymore, and would NEVER invite her back up here for the weekend.  I also said that this was a traditional wedding, and the tradition stands that the groom's parents are responsible for the rehearsal dinner.  And, if there's no dinner now, FMIL would look bad, not me.  I also said to him that if there wasn't a dinner, my family, he and I would go out to eat after the rehearsal, and SHE would not be invited!  He agreed and understood.  He said that he would support me in any decisions I made about that.  I know for a fact that FMIL does not go out to eat much, and when she does, it is NEVER to a nice enough place like the one we took her to that night.  That, IMHO, is not an excuse!!  She is so tacky!!  I am now waiting for wounds to heal before talking to FDH about her behavior.  If she acts like that at the rehearsal, wedding, or reception, I will have someone escort her butt out, mother of the groom or not!  My mom also suggested that I put a bug in FDH's ear about the traditions that take place at the rehearsal dinner (gift giving to the attendants, speeches, etc.).  My parents tell me not to take this personally, but how else should I take it?  It seems like she is trying to ruin our wedding!  I swear, I am no longer going to be nice to FMIL for FDH's sake.  The polite, but matter of fact approach is all I can do now!  She is going to be in the dark from now on about the details of the wedding!  The next time I see her will be at Christmas, and I am dreading that like the plague.  More later (since I am trying to build a frequent fry-her page).  Any thoughts, comments, or suggestions are welcome.  Thanks for listening!!!

        Signed - FMIL is REDNECK HORROR!!!

( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )

RESPONSE:  FMIL is REDNECK HORROR!!!
Posted: 7-NOV-01
If your future in-laws are paying for the dinner, its only right that they get to choose the restaurant.  If she wasn't impressed with the service at the one you like, she should be able to change it.  It sounds like you want this restaurant because it is, by your definition, "nice".  But it sure doesn't sound like the service is very good.  You said you gave your MIL a list of other places.  So, if she wants to go with one of those instead, why be upset about it?  What do you mean the restaurants your MIL goes to aren't "nice enough".  Huh?  What does that mean?  They may not appeal to YOU, but if she is going out to eat and spend her money, she can spend it anywhere she chooses!  I realize you were angry when you wrote this, but you came across as a bit of a snob.  If that's the problem, you should work on it.  Your MIL may be different from you, but that doesn't mean she is wrong - just different.  Lastly, I hope you weren't serious about having your MIL escorted out of your wedding or rehearsal dinner.  That would be a terrible thing to do to your DH, and it would make YOU look far worse than she does!

RESPONSE:  FMIL is REDNECK HORROR!!!
Posted: 7-NOV-01
It could have been a lot worse.  At least your MIL was looking out for you with your rude behavior.  When we go eat with MIL, it doesn't matter how badly we want to eat there, if the waiters don't cater to her, she throws a fit and we leave and go somewhere else to eat.  Her biggest complaint is that the temperature isn't right (too hot or cold).  She actually makes them adjust it for her.  If they say that they can't, we leave.  She is a huge tipper, but I don't think this gives her the right to be rude.  When my MIL is mean to the staff, I pull them aside and say, "I didn't do anything.  Please don't spit in my food or anything."  They usually laugh and lighten up.  I'm serious.  I am so scared of what they might do to my food..  Also, in front of them, I tell her to quit being so mean.  I tell the waiters to ignore her.  It becomes a big joke.  Maybe you could try the same thing with your MIL.  I get everyone in on it - my husband, the waiter, waitress, and who ever else is dining with us.  It does lighten the situation.

RESPONSE:  FMIL is REDNECK HORROR!!!
Posted: 12-NOV-01
I have often felt badly about how unkind my MIL is to waitpersons and other service people.  It's not really blatant, but she acts kind of like she's a queen and they're slaves, or something.  Heaven forbid she smile at them, or be the least bit kind.  I used to be a waitress, so I tend to have sympathy for them.  But she thinks I'm an ass for being friendly to them.  It's funny, she gushes like she's the "warmest" person in the world.  But, it's almost like she prides herself on being a cool customer with service people.  My husband thinks it's a generational thing, but my parents have never been like that.  It's just one more thing that makes me lose respect for my MIL.  And it makes me unable to buy into the "warmth" I think she really prides herself on.

RESPONSE From Poster:  FMIL is REDNECK HORROR!!!
Posted: 12-NOV-01
I am the original poster of this story.  This is to the first person who responded to my story.  Now, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I am going to get this straight.  My FMIL embarrassed everyone she was with that night at the restaurant, including her own son.  How would you feel if your son was embarrassed by you?  Wouldn't you feel badly?  She doesn't, because she doesn't care how she acts.  I have seen her true colors more than once, and I am just shocked that someone could be as rude as my FMIL is.  She doesn't care what comes out of her mouth or how she acts.  I did something NICE for her by helping her pick out a restaurant for the dinner.  SHE ASKED ME TO HELP!!  I picked out ones of all types (prices, atmosphere, food, etc.).  The restaurant that we went to is a place that my family and I (including FDH) go to often.  We have never had a problem with service, and this was a one time sort of thing I am sure.  It is just unfortunate that it happened the night FMIL visited.  I don't care where she has the dinner.  I know she hates coming to my side of the state, and I know that she won't come back until the wedding.  So, when I said that I can't help her anymore, I really can't.  She is controlling, and has to have things on her terms only.  She acts like this with her entire family, and it is just sad.  I invited her up here that weekend (trying to be nice) and she turned everything around to where it looked like it was a burden for her.  I mean it when I say I am through being nice to her and trying to be nice.  As far as kicking her out of the wedding, if she tries to pitch a fit and misbehaves at the wedding MY PARENTS are paying for (she isn't paying a dime - she is only paying for the rehearsal dinner), I have every right to kick her out, and FDH agreed with me on this decision!  So, no, I won't look like a bad person if I have to do that (I pray it doesn't come to this).  I am trying to be the adult here, and I feel like I have done the right thing thus far.  I haven't said a word about this incident to FDH since this happened, and don't plan on saying anything until she decides where to have the dinner (if SHE decides to have one).  Then, I will let him in on what needs to be done (things that are traditions at the rehearsal dinner).  I am not a snob.  I am just someone who has manners and KNOWS how to act in public.  You get more flies with honey, not vinegar (like FMIL).  I am sorry that you feel the way you do, but that response is something I would expect from a MIL, or even my FMIL!

RESPONSE:  FMIL is REDNECK HORROR!!!
Posted: 13-NOV-01
To the first responder:  You sound like a MIL!  You must not understand the poster's reasoning for telling her story.  You were not there when her FMIL pitched this fit.  Neither was I, but I sympathize with her.  She is NOT coming across as a snob.  She is just embarrassed that she was with someone who didn't have any civilization about herself (I am talking about her FMIL).  Her FMIL had no right to pitch these fits in public.  And, if I had been there, I would have told her to either calm down or we are leaving!  It seems to me that her FMIL was trying to find something that was wrong with the restaurant, and shove that in the poster's face (and her FDH).  If she acts like that, she could (and probably would) act like that at the wedding.  So, yes, the poster does have that right to throw her out if she is acting badly and embarrassing everyone (especially since the poster's parents seem to be paying for the wedding and reception).  Now, yes, if the groom's parents took responsibility for the after rehearsal dinner, then they have the right to choose the venue.  Well, in my opinion, and based on what I am thinking the poster was trying to get across, she had helped her FMIL all she could by picking out places that would be suitable both for FMIL and the dinner.  I think the poster might be saying that she has had it with FMIL because of this fit, and she can't help her anymore, because she doesn't know what FMIL wants or likes.  In my opinion, the FMIL WAS out of line, and was making a fuss over nothing.  Why call the poster a snob?  She doesn't come across to me as one!  Really, come clean.  You are a MIL, and you are trying to stick up for this rude woman.  Get a life, and reread the post.  If you were in the poster's shoes, wouldn't you be embarrassed over your MIL's behavior?  I guess not, since you are so closed minded.  To the second responder, why did you say that FMIL was sticking up for her rude behavior?  Don't you mean the FMIL's rude behavior?  To the poster:  You did the classy thing (unlike your FMIL).  You will come out smelling like roses if you just ignore her and go on with your wedding plans.  Your wedding will be beautiful, just don't let FMIL ruin it.  Ignore her, and let her look like the @ss she is.  Good luck, and you have my sympathy!  Take care! J.

RESPONSE:  FMIL is REDNECK HORROR!!!
Posted: 13-NOV-01
I feel for you regarding your fears that FMIL will do something else at your wedding.  Your fears are justified, IMO, based on her past behavior.  She sounds like she has pent up hostility and isn't dealing with it well.  Maybe she isn't getting her say as often as she would like, or she isn't getting enough attention during the wedding planning process.  Who knows?  My parents also paid for the vast majority of our wedding, but my FMIL and FFIL tried numerous times to take control.  When that didn't work, they tried to twist our arms and withhold the small amount of financial assistance they had promised to give us for some wedding expenses.  When that didn't work, they tried to change some of our plans behind our backs (luckily the suppliers we dealt with had integrity and ignored the future in-laws).  When that didn't work, they threatened not to attend our wedding.  When that didn't work, they decided they would invite extra guests to the wedding.  We ended up alerting the caterer (who was the owner of the hall) and they were prepared to eject anyone whom we identified as an unwanted guest.  They said that things like this happen, and they were not surprised at all that we were afraid that someone had the potential to get out of line.  I am happy to report that our wedding went off without a hitch.  I think that my ILs like to blow smoke, and they were not about to embarrass themselves in public.  Although, to this day, they still like to cause a lot of trouble from behind the scenes.  I am also happy to say that I have been happily married, despite my Ils, for almost 20 years.  We often have to stand our ground with the ILs.  I feel that establishing boundaries early is the key to success.  They also still like to make many situations "about them", even when the situation has absolutely nothing to do with them.  I am sorry you are going through a rough time.  This SHOULD BE a happy time for you.  Unfortunately, I have learned first hand (and from many friends and relatives) that this time of a person's life is often terribly stressful.  Please consider alerting the person you are working with at the reception site that you are concerned that there may be trouble.  When my dad was briefing the caterer about my in-laws threats to invite extra guests, he also said to the owners, "I am the host.  I will be writing the check for this affair.  Please take instructions only from me, my wife, the bride or the groom."

RESPONSE:  FMIL is REDNECK HORROR!!!
Posted: 19-NOV-01
This is to the first November 7th respondent.  Why is it so important to you to correct the poster because you have an opinion?  You know what they say about opinions?  First of all, weddings are among the top five stressors IN LIFE!  Of course, the poster was angry when she wrote this.  She's stressed out!  Planning a wedding is extremely STRESSFUL!  Granted, the waitress shouldn't have slammed the lemons down, but there are many ways in handling that.  The respondent was saying she was embarrassed, and so was the DH.  Why isn't she entitled to her own emotions?  If that's how she felt, then that's how she felt.  Also, maybe the MIL provoked the waitress by being so rude.  And, as far as calling the respondent a snob, how dare you?  You didn't have to respond to this story at all!  Since you did, you could at least give constructive criticism, and stop with the childish name calling.  Maybe you're right, and the MIL should pick out the restaurant, but was all the rest of that necessary?  Your posts are becoming all too familiar with your sarcastic "holier than thou" tone.  Maybe you're the one that needs to look at yourself and figure out what you're so hostile about.  Go deal with it in therapy, and leave these poor DILs alone!

RESPONSE:  FMIL is REDNECK HORROR!!!
Posted: 23-NOV-01
I'm sorry if my opinion is unwanted, but I agree with the first poster:  You do come off as a bit snobbish.  You admit that the service was substandard that particular evening, but you expect your FMIL to still hold the dinner at this restaurant.  That's the only time she's been there.  How else is she to judge the quality of the place?  You gave her a list.  Any place on this list should be all right with you.  As I understand it, your future ILs are still planning on paying for the rehearsal dinner.  If this is true, then the final decision as to which place they choose is up to them.  Also, if you want them to pay for the dinner, I don't recommend having them tossed from the rehearsal.  I don't condone the type of behavior you describe, but I do not believe that you should have to ask more than once for lemon for your tea, or any other small courtesy from the wait-staff (that is their job, after all).  I understand that if they are really busy, they may forget and you'll have to ask again.  But that is no excuse for the hostess's behavior.  My parents own a restaurant, and if a hostess were to slam anything down on the table of a customer, you can bet they would want to hear about it.  I don't think that this incident makes your FMIL a REDNECK.  In fact, you seem a bit too preoccupied with who pays for what.  Traditionally the bride's family pays for the bulk of the wedding, but that does not mean that the groom's family is less deserving of tolerance or respect.  Did it ever occur to you that this is a stressful time for them as well?  FYI, I am not a MIL.  My oldest child is only 8.

frequent fry her - June Bride Frequent Fry Her TM. - June Bride 2 of 4/Posted: 9-NOV-01
Okay, my FMIL is a serious pain, and I really wish I could have nothing to do with her again for the rest of my life.  I try to respect that she is FDH's mother, and that he loves her, but why is it so hard to do that?  Because she is a cow!  She has seriously left a bad, sour taste in my mouth with her behavior and her rudeness.  I told you earlier about how she pitched a fit in public at the restaurant where we were suppose to have our rehearsal dinner.  Well, as of now, she has not done a gosh darn thing about the rehearsal dinner, and I am just sitting here quietly while she makes an @Ss of herself!  How funny!  Well, before this all happened, I saw her true colors this past summer.  And, I swear, she better be glad she pitched this fit in her house, because if it would have been in FDH's or my house, she would have been kicked out so fast her head would have spun!  Here is the story:  I went to see FDH while he was sick this summer.  He had sun poisoning and dehydration.  I felt that, since I was his FDW, it was already my obligation to take care of him.  Well, his mother was on her way to look after him for the weekend, and when she found out that I was there already, her competition mode evidently kicked in.  She pouted, and appeared to be ticked off as soon as her and FFIL arrived.  She hated it that I was the one who got credit for making FDH go back to the doctor since he wasn't getting any better.  I didn't know that FDH"s health was a competition!  I was concerned about him and his welfare and I wanted him to get better.  I didn't have the intention to "upstage" her, as she sees it.  After FDH and I got back from the doctor, her fit began.  She got mad at me because I didn't wash his 2 dirty dishes the day before (what?) and she also got mad when FDH didn't want to go out to eat with her.  Ummm, hello?  FDH had a temperature of 102 and was drained from the trip to the doctor (and from all the tests that were done on him).  He told her she could either cook or get food, but he wasn't going anywhere, and I was taking care of him.  She interpreted that to mean that I didn't want to go out, and that I didn't want to cook.  I would have been more than happy to do either, and I said exactly that.  But, no, she pitched her fit instead, showed her big, fat @Ss and slammed the door when she left to go to her sister's (to complain about me, I am sure).  While she was gone, I told FDH that he needs to stand up for me to his mother.  He said that he agreed, and when she got back, he did just that.  He said, "Mom, FDW does not have to be your maid or mine.  She is here to take care of me, because she is going to be my wife, and she is #1 to me now, and I have to look after her also!  I am sorry you misunderstood her, and I am sorry you are upset, but this is the way it is."  Boy, did that make the doo-doo hit the fan even worse.  She almost kicked us out, and almost told us we were not welcome in her house again (I wish she would have!).  I know she won't do that, because FDH is her only child/son.  FDH and I almost left that night, because she was behaving so badly.  The next day, she acted like nothing happened.  Of course, she is good about doing that to anyone. .It leaves the person she unloaded on left feeling hurt and confused.  She doesn't care!  I still get mad when I think about that weekend, even though FDH and I have talked about it and have agreed that, if she ever does that in OUR house, she will be kicked out.  If she does it in her own house, we will just leave.  See what I have to look forward to?  I can tell you this, though, SHE HAS MET HER MATCH!!!  I won't take her cr@p, EVER!!

        Signed - FMIL Acts Like A Two Year Old!

( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )

RESPONSE:  FMIL Acts Like A Two Year Old!
Posted: 18-NOV-01
IS he at his mother's house?  That should tell you something right there.  If he was at his mother's house and not yours, I'd presume mommie would take care of him.  And remember, she's probably upset because you are there all of the time, and she's offended that you aren't helping with cleaning up after him.  You can't have it both ways.  If you are taking care of your FDH, take care of all of it, not just the "wiping of brow".

RESPONSE:  FMIL Acts Like A Two Year Old!
Posted: 18-NOV-01
Okay, let me get this right.  Your FDH was sick and went to his mother's house?  If he went to her house and not yours, it must be because he wants his mom to take care of him, not you.  Next, you went over there to "help him out", but that was not to include washing his dirty dishes.  AND, then he said to his mother that you are not her slave - it indicated that it is his mother's duty to wash his dirty dishes!!!  I'm a DIL, and not a MIL posting to your story, and it sounds weird to me.  If I were in MIL's shoes, I might be annoyed with the situation of taking care of a sick son IN MY OWN HOME with his future wife there ALL THE TIME.  And yes, I would be offended that FDW wouldn't help clean up after sick son.  It sounds like your FDH is just like his mom.

RESPONSE From Poster:  FMIL Acts Like A Two Year Old!
Posted: 02-DEV-01
ORIGINAL POSTER:  Oops, to what I just wrote.  When I first got to my FDH's, we were at HIS place, NOT FMIL's.  That is where she said I didn't wash his two dirty dishes in his sink (as soon as I got to his house, I began taking care of him - I didn't worry about dishes when he had a 102 temperature!).  His mother got there after I did, and saw that I had arrived (from a six hour trip) and was instantly mad.  Why?  Because I had taken over.  THAT IS MY RESPONSIBILITY, TO TAKE CARE OF MY FUTURE HUSBAND!  Well, after my FDH and I went to the doctor the next day, we went to his parent's for a couple of days (and that is where she pitched her fit).  That is also where my FDH stood up for me and showed her really quickly that I was his #1 priority in life now, and she was handed the backseat!  HA!  When I am at her house, I do the dishes, clean up, cook, and respect that I am a guest in her house.  But she also needs to respect the fact that I am her DS's future wife and I am going to take care of him (and that comes first - above the housework when he is that sick).  If she doesn't like it, I am sorry.  But it wasn't even in her house that I neglected to wash two d@mn dishes!  So, why does she care?  I know why, because the meaning of her fit wasn't over dishes or housework, it was over me taking care of her son, and her being second fiddle from now on.  Ever heard of, "Leave your parents and cleave to your wife?"  THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT FDH HAS ALREADY DONE!  She just hates it.  OH WELLLLL!!!!!!  Like I said before, she better be glad that she pitched that fit at her house and not mine or FDH's, because she would have been kicked out so fast her head would have spun.  Since then, FDH and I have talked, and we both agree that if she has another fit like that at our house after we are married, she WILL be asked to leave.  And, if we are at his, we will just get up and leave.  Now, to the responder I am addressing this to, DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?  You are acting like this could be my fault - .ummm, how?  All I did was take care of FDH, and in the process I got told off for it.  FMIL is threatened by me, and sees me as competition.  Well, this is NO GAME!  I am here to stay, and she will have to accept that or she won't be a part of our lives.  Thank you for letting me clear this up.

RESPONSE From Poster:  FMIL Acts Like A Two Year Old!
Posted: 10-DEV-01
Again, I am the original poster of this story.  I went to my FDH's house (who lives SIX HOURS away from me).  I went to his apartment when he was sick (drove SIX HOURS).  So, no, he didn't go to my house because it was TOO FAR!  After I got to his house, we went to the doctor the next day.  Then, after that, we went to his mother's house.  Again, the stupid TWO dishes that were dirty in the sink were NOT any of my concern at the time.  My FDH's health was (with a 102 temp and sick as a dog).  I think that his health took precedence over some stupid @Ss dirty dishes.  Again, like I have said before (some of you look deeper into things posters say instead of the REAL issues), FMIL didn't really get mad over the fact that two dishes weren't cleaned, it was that her son had chosen his FDW over her!  He wanted me there to take care of him instead of her.  Then, she lashed out when that happened.  Gosh, people, why are you coming towards me with this.  NO, MY FDH IS NOT LIKE HIS MOTHER!  He never will be!  Lord, if you don't have any advice or suggestions on how to handle MILs to us DILs, DON'T WRITE IN!!  She lashed out and pitched a fit over nothing!  FMIL is mad at me because I am marrying FDH, not because of the dishes.  She just used that as an excuse to get mad, don't you see????  And, oh, by the way, since they live six hours away, I DO NOT GO TO HIS HOUSE ALLLL THE TIME like you and the other responder said I was doing.  I go to visit FDH once every 6-8 weeks, usually, but I have not been back since July, thank you!  So, how is that too often?  If you are a DIL who wrote in November 18, I feel sorry for your MIL!

RESPONSE:  FMIL Acts Like A Two Year Old!
Posted: 10-DEV-01
To the other two posters, I know a little background here, and it's not his mother's house.  It was HIS house where they were.  And it will be HER house when they are married.  And, even if it was his mother's house, the whole thing with the dishes is a little uncalled for.  After all, what difference does two cups make?  If I have company in my house, I just don't want them to leave a sink full of dishes for me to do.  One or two don't bother me.  June Bride's FMIL is a pain in the arse - certifiable for that matter.  FMIL just wants June to know that she will always be second best to dear old mother, even though dear old mother is, at the very least, an unpleasant person, and her own son doesn't associate with her much.  She is kind of like my MIL, but my MIL has gotten progressively worse since we got married three years ago.  Her story sounds typical of pretty much the rest of us with MIL problems - MIL thinks that she is supposed to come first in her son's life, and that woman he married (or is marrying as the case may be) is just someone for him to sleep with - kinda like a rubber dolly.  And, that any grandchildren miraculously sprang from her son, and DIL had nothing to do with conception, pregnancy, labor and delivery (not to mention child rearing).  This is just another case of "I don't like you, so go away just because I said so.  And I am Queen of the Universe".

frequent fry her - June Bride Frequent Fry Her TM. - June Bride 3 of 4/Posted: 13-DEC-01
I have written in previously about my FMIL, and have had several responses where someone lashes out at me.  Now, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but I don't need to be called a "snob" or be shown my faults (I already know I have those).  You don't know me, as you don't know other people on the board.  The reason why I write in is because I seek for advice, suggestions, sympathy, and therapy.  I write in for all the same reasons as other DILs and I think that I am showing other DILs that I am also in their boat when it comes to MILs.  I sympathize with them and let them know they are not alone.  I also give them the best advice and sympathy that I know how to give.  I don't come on here to be bashed or told that I am a snob, when I am not.  If you knew me, you would think I was a nice, caring, giving, and thoughtful person.  I am not trying to be vain, but I am like that.  I post on the message board almost daily, and you can ask anyone on there what I am like by written response (one knows me by email and phone, she would vouch for me).  Why are you targeting at me?  What have I done to you?  I know my stories are one-sided, but I tell them like they happened.  I don't lie, over-embellish, or leave anything out.  I also know that my stories are confusing, but I write them as clearly as I can.  I am happy to make things clear to people who ask NICELY!  If you were in my shoes, you would feel this same way, I am sure.  My FMIL is a controlling, and at times hateful woman.  I am trying to seek ways to deal with her, and have a happy marriage with my FDH.  I am guessing that my FMIL is a lot like some of the MILs that these ladies talk about on this board.  Please respond to my entries with honest responses.  But be nice about them.  This does matter to me.  And, the advice given does help (as well as the suggestions and sympathy).  Name calling, and basically telling me I am an awful person, does not make me feel any better.  And, it really sounds like something my FMIL would say.  I don't mean to sound sarcastic, but that is the truth.  Again, I don't mind alternative opinions, suggestions, or advice.  But, I do mind them when they come from a pessimistic viewpoint, and are meant to lash out at me and hurt me.  I don't want to sound like a cry baby, but I wanted to put out my opinion as you have chosen to do so on my posts.  Thank You.

        Signed - Don't Want To Sound Like A Cry Baby, But Why Me???

( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )

RESPONSE:  Don't Want To Sound Like A Cry Baby, But Why Me???
Posted: 25-DEC-01
Here is a thought:  Maybe the awful responder is your MIL or someone else's MIL and she is taking it out on you.  If you don't like what someone is telling you or calling you, remove yourself from the situation.  When your MIL does it, leave the room without saying a word.  When a responder is mean, move on to the next post.  Dear Fellow Posters:  Let's try to be nice.  It is all right to disagree.  In fact, it is healthy to disagree.  However, it is just plain childish to call someone names and be mean to someone you've never met.

RESPONSE:  Don't Want To Sound Like A Cry Baby, But Why Me???
Posted: 25-DEC-01
Ignore the mean posters.  They think they're giving an objective point of view that may differ from others.  They don't realize that name calling doesn't help anyone feel better, except themselves.  Good luck.

RESPONSE:  Don't Want To Sound Like A Cry Baby, But Why Me???
Posted: 25-DEC-01
The answer is simple.  You post on this board, you put your life out there, and then sometimes you may not like the answers.  Don't take rude comments to heart.  Like you mentioned, we don't know you, we only hear what you write.  We are all very much individuals on this forum, and with that you will get a lot of different advice.  And, you may get a lot of different angles, which is good, but you have to learn to discard the bad advice.  Take the good and apply it to your situation.  Take Care.

RESPONSE:  Don't Want To Sound Like A Cry Baby, But Why Me???
Posted: 25-DEC-01
I know June Bride.  And, I can tell you, it's not petty, snobby things that irritate her about her FMIL.  Most of us don't like our MILs attempting to take over every aspect of our lives.  Well, that is exactly what June Bride's FMIL is attempting to do.  She's writing here for support because we are all dealing with god awfully bad MILs - it just varies to what degree they are miserable b!tches.  June tries to decorate the house that FDH bought, that June will be part owner of, and that MIL doesn't pay for.  FMIL is trying to control certain aspects of the wedding.  And, tell me that you wouldn't be just MORTIFIED if your MIL yelled across a restaurant at a server!  Give me a break.  I know that there are people who like to come in here on a "hit-or-miss" basis simply to stir up trouble.  That appears to be the topic of conversation lately on the boards.  Hey, we are all open to differing opinions.  We are usually pretty open-minded.  There are issues that people refuse to see a different viewpoint on, but we're only human.  Then again, snotty remarks, like those directed at many of us by various people who turn up like bad pennies, are not welcome.  But, this is a public forum.  You can say whatever you damn well please.  Just remember - we are supposed to be here for a SUPPORT forum.  And, most of the time, that's exactly what this is.  But, to the few of you who like to get out your spoons and stir sh!t up, get a life!  Stop acting like our MILs and get a hobby, read a book, go to the movies, do SOMETHING besides causing unnecessary strife, especially at the holidays!  Have a little compassion.  What may be tolerable to you, like someone decorating YOUR house without YOUR permission or input, may be a completely unacceptable invasion of privacy to someone else.  And, what may be tolerable to us, like your MIL ignoring every word that comes out of your mouth and acting like you don't exist, may be totally cruel to you.  I think it's time to step back and realize that the enemy is NOT us, the enemy is those who would be emotional vampires and drain our marriages of any goodness, love, kindness, and so forth.  And, that's not necessarily our MILs.  It can be our FILs, SILs, BILs, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, even our DHs or DWs.  The purpose of being here is to get support for dealing with these emotional Nosferatus, and to learn how to deal with them more effectively.  And, incidentally, June Bride is a very nice person - a good friend to have, someone who doesn't hesitate to do for her friends and family.  She's not a spoiled brat, and she's not a snob.  She just has the basic manners and good sense that most of our parents instilled in us.  And, is it too much to expect, when you go to a nice place, that the people with you act with manners and sense?  I think not.  Is it too much to ask for people to be considerate and do what they say they will?  I think not.  Is it too much to ask that our MILs act like adults, have adult-to-adult interaction with us, and behave in a logical and reasonable manner (instead of acting like spoiled two year old brats)?  Again, I think not.  Think about that before you begin the bashfest.

RESPONSE:  Don't Want To Sound Like A Cry Baby, But Why Me???
Posted: 25-DEC-01
I feel badly for you.  I remember your post, and was surprised so many people responded the way they did.  Your FMIL's behavior WAS embarrassing!  Here's my theory:  The truth hurts.  And, the word "redneck" pushes a lot of our buttons because a lot of us ARE a bunch of rednecks!!  And, I include myself in that.  I'm "trailer trash"!  For what it's worth, I would have been horribly embarrassed by your FMIL's behavior (are you the one whose MIL was so rude in the restaurant?).  For what it's worth, we've probably all had some hurtful responses to our own posts here, and felt misunderstood by at least one or two respondents.  Please don't be discouraged.  Please keep posting if you need to "vent".  A big hug to you.  Happy holidays.

RESPONSE:  Don't Want To Sound Like A Cry Baby, But Why Me???
Posted: 4-JAN-02
I'm always surprised when responders jump on people who share their stories on this site.  As a fellow DIL, I know that every time my MIL has done something mean, no matter how big or small, it's still painful and annoying, because she does stuff all the time!  I'm sure you are an understanding person.  And, if your MIL's behavior was usually pleasant, I'm sure the restaurant incident wouldn't have angered and embarrassed you so much.  As a fellow DIL, I know that these incidents add up over time and become unbearable.  You know from her past behavior that this isn't just a wonderful, sweet MIL having a bad day - it's a negative, critical hag showing her @Ss again.  When I've tried to explain to others in the past about how my MIL treats me, I heard callous remarks like, "You're too sensitive," "Get over it," or, "Ignore it."  Then, I found support on this site.  So, I'm always disappointed when I read negative feedback.  However, I always wonder if it is a MIL in disguise, or perhaps even a disgruntled former DH who got dumped because he couldn't stand up to his mommy.  In your case, the respondent could even be a DIL who is a little jealous because she's been trying to get her DH to stand up to his mommy for years, and you've already gotten your FDH to stand up to his (and you're not even married yet!).  Hang in there, and don't let FMIL or negative responders get you down.

RESPONSE:  Don't Want To Sound Like A Cry Baby, But Why Me???
Posted: 4-JAN-02
There are definitely some witchy people who post nasty responses and then say, "I'm just giving an aaaaalternate point of view!  Everyone is eeeeeentitled to his/her differing oooooooopinion!"  Then, these are the same posters who cry up a storm when the rest of the posters take them to task for their insensitivity and nastiness.  I agree with you, JuneBride, that you did not deserve to have your post attacked the way it was.  I was one of the people who defended you.  Please keep posting.  There are many nice people on this site who really do care, and aren't so intent on offering their "ooooooooooopinion" about the "oooooother side of the fence," that they forget to offer support and truly helpful advice.  You have every right to feel hurt and upset.  I'm glad you posted to express your honest feelings.

frequent fry her - June Bride Frequent Fry Her TM. - June Bride 4 of 4/Posted: 26-DEC-01
I know I have already posted this story onto the message board, but here it is again to get my Frequent Fry Her page completed!  Thanks everyone for your help! J.  Last night, while I was on the phone with FDH, I think he had a revelation!  We were sitting there talking, and I asked him what he was doing, and he said he was in the den looking at his Christmas tree.  I knew that he put his Christmas tree upstairs in front of a big window that we have, so I knew something had changed.  Then, he began to tell me that his mother had come to his house and put up another Christmas tree without asking him!  He said that, on the day his parents came for an overnight visit, he had told them (the day before) that he would be home at 5:00.  It was understood that they would show up at his house anytime after that.  Well, of course FMIL and FFIL showed up at 3:00 that day.  While FDH was still at work, FMIL put up the other Christmas tree without asking him or letting him know.  When FDH got home, he said that he almost blew a gasket!  He said he was a hair from telling his mother what he thought, and that would have probably resulted in her gathering her things, and FFIL leaving and never coming back (boy, a DIL's dream come true).  Well, he asked her which tree she was going to take home after Christmas, and she asked him why he wanted to know that.  He, then, informed her that my parents are giving us their (almost new) 7 ft. Christmas tree, and we only needed two, not three for the house (one will be upstairs in front of the big window, while the other one will be downstairs in the family room).  She didn't say anything for a while, and then said she would take one home after Christmas.  I told him that she better break this habit before we are married, because I will give her an ear full if she comes into our house and redecorates it.  I will say it and she will never come back again.  He said that was fine, and he understood.  I said that I would take offense to her coming in and putting up decorations without my knowledge and permission.  He said that he did take offense to it, and she knew he did!  He said that his mother said that she only had a few more months of doing stuff like this, and wanted to do it to be helpful!  I then told FDH that she is ALWAYS trying to help, and it pisses us off!  He agreed.  Well, I asked (acting dumb) how his parents got into the house at 3:00 without him being there.  He then told me they had a key to the house.  I then said something like "Oh Lord".  I asked him WHY they had a key, and he said they had one from when he was moving in (they helped him move in) and they never gave it back.  I said, "Well, get it back."  He said he would, and that he would have to think about getting it back without causing WW3.  I then said to him, "FDH, your parents have abused this key, and are using it like this is their own house.  When someone abuses something, they should have it taken away from them, like a child.  Ask for it back when you are with them, not on the phone, because they could go and get a copy made before giving it back.  Demand it right then and there, and use the excuse that your FDW needs a key to the house, since she will be half OWNER of the house, and they are guests!  If they won't give it back, change the locks."  I then asked later on if these keys and locks were the same as what the previous owners had and FDH said, "yes".  I then said that if he didn't want to tell his parents the REAL reason why we were changing the locks, we could use the excuse of having different locks put on for safety purposes.  And, when and if they ask for a key, just say "NO"!  I also said, "FDH, what will happen after we are married and we activate the security system?  FMIL and FFIL will NOT know the code.  And when they open the door with their precious key, the alarm will go off and then they will be arrested!"  He said that is when they will have a lot of explaining to do.  I said that we need to either get the key back or change the locks.  He said that he will handle it and it best not happen again until he does do something about it!!  I also said, amongst all this, there is NO reason for his parents or mine to have a key to our house.  We will live 6 hours and 2 hours away from them, and they wouldn't be needed to check on our house or our pets if we were out of town.  We should give one to our neighbors just in case we are locked out (or hide one) or for emergencies.  He agreed, and then asked if he should give his keys back that he has to his parent's house.  I said, "FDH, my brothers don't have a key to my parent's house, and I am giving mine back after you and I are married.  So, you do what you think is right."  He said, "OK"  Mother-in-law's Nightmare:  I then asked him something you brought up in a post, and that was, "What would you do if it was a friend doing this?"  He then said he wouldn't allow it.  I said, "Well, then why allow your parents to abuse your privacy and home?"  He understood my point, and again said he would do one of two things, either ask for the key back or change the locks.  He then said he stood behind me and was in agreement with me.  Yeah!!  Happy Dance!!!!!!!  So, this fear I have had about the garage door opener and the keys are going to be dealt with, without me bringing it up and looking like a bad guy!  The garage door opener was already given back, and FDH is going to have to change the frequencies on the openers (and buy a new one for me) because it is broken!!!!!!!!!! Yeah!!!!  VICTORY AT LAST!  I just want to thank you all.  Katy, Linda P, Jenn, MILN, QOH - EVERYONE for helping me with this.  I stayed calm, and was respectful and nice to FDH when we talked about all this.  Of course, this doesn't solve her behavior problem, but one battle at a time.  All that matters right now is that I have FDH behind me 100%, and he is acting like a man about it all!!!  Any thoughts, comments, suggestions, or anything are welcomed (of course, if they are nice and respectful!).  Thanks again!

        Signed - Make Way While I Do A Happy Dance!!  FDH Came To His Senses!!

( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )

 


The Sister Knot, Apter
The Sister Knot
Why We Fight, Why We're Jealous, and Why We'll Love Each Other No Matter What


Secret Paths: Women in the New Midlife
Secret Paths
Women in the New Midlife


Working Women Don't Have Wives, Dr. Terri Apter Working Women Don't Have Wives
Professional Success in the 1990'S


To See More Books By
Dr. Terri Apter
Click Here.


           Back To The Top - Click Here

Search this site or the web powered by FreeFind
    

Site search Web search


DISCLAIMER: 
All advice on this website is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  All responses are from reader submissions unless specifically noted otherwise (such as Dr. Terri Apter advice page).  We do not endorse any of the advice.  We provide it to you as a service.  We can neither guarantee the soundness of the advice, nor make any claims as to the outcome of following this advice.  We provide it for your entertainment only.  Should you choose to follow any of the advice, it is solely at your own risk.  This is not intended to substitute for obtaining advice from appropriate sources and/or professional counseling.  We recommend you consult an appropriate professional, counselor, and/or a trusted advisor before taking any action based on this advice.  B A Squared, LLC and www.motherinlawstories.com make no representations or guarantees regarding any information dispensed on this site.

Your privacy is important to us.  Click here to view our Privacy Policy.

Copyright 1999 - 2011, B A Squared, LLC.  All rights reserved.  Reproduction in whole or in part in any form or medium without express written permission of B A Squared, LLC is strictly prohibited.  All materials submitted (written or otherwise) to www.motherinlawstories.com become the property of B A Squared, LLC.  Submission of any material (written or otherwise) constitutes your permission for B A Squared, LLC to use, edit, reproduce and publish this material (in whole or in part) in any way it deems appropriate, and releases B A Squared, LLC from any and all liability associated with the publication of said material.

CONTACT US: To contact us for any reason, please use the email form on our Help Page which you can get to by clicking here, or email us at webmaster@motherinlawstories.com.