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Frequent Fry HerTM
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breadandbutterfly
Age: 21

frequent fry her - breadandbutterfly Frequent Fry Her TM. - breadandbutterfly/Posted: 12-AUG-07
Things with the ILs have gotten much better, and there is hope for further improvement.  However, I just need to vent a little bit.  I don't have many friends with kids who can empathize with me.  I'm just so tired of every little detail in our life being up for discussion.  We are vegetarians, we only eat and buy products that are organic and fair trade, and we don't watch TV.  All of these things, plus our financial, educational, and career decisions are always being debated by them.  Their arguments are always the same.  "Well, you watched TV when you were a kid, and you turned out OK."  "Well, you didn't eat organic vegetables, and you turned out okay."  Yea, but you know what?  People also used to think it was okay to smoke while you were pregnant, and a lot of babies turned out okay, too.  Does that mean that I should go ahead and smoke cigarettes the next time I get pregnant?  Of course not!  We, as humans, discover more about our world and existence with time, and that's how we improve our lives and the world for ourselves and for our children.  And, besides that, it's none of their business, and it should not be up for discussion.  DH tells them this over and over again, and they're starting to get it.  But, I still get so frustrated sometimes when they start in again on something else.  Thanks for letting me vent.

        Signed - Screw Fast Food
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frequent fry her - breadandbutterfly Frequent Fry Her TM. - breadandbutterfly/Posted: 31-OCT-06
Our first baby is due any day now.  The baby will be too young to travel to either of our family's houses for Thanksgiving this year, which made me kind of sad at first because it will be the third year in a row that I won't be with my family for the holiday (we lived in another state for the past two years).  My parents will be coming and spending a lot of time with us and the new baby when he is born, so they will be going to spend Thanksgiving with the rest of the family, as my dad can't travel down here too much because of work and health issues.  Well, there are only 5 people in DF's family.  FMIL is crazy and is really challenging, but she at least likes me.  Besides, I get along great with everyone else in his family and love them all very much.  So, knowing that it would mean a lot to DF, I suggested that he invite his mom, dad, sister, aunt and cousin to come spend Thanksgiving with us.  I love to cook, and I want them to know that I value them as part of our child's life (first grandchild on their side).  Well, FPILs have four dogs that my FMIL is absolutely obsessed with, to a very extreme and unhealthy level.  So they want to come, but their concern was (of course) who will watch over the dogs.  They don't feel that they could find someone to watch them over the holiday.  So what was the solution?  FMIL and FSIL will come down and LEAVE FFIL BEHIND WITH THE DOGS!!!  I think that is so mean and selfish!  FFIL is so excited to have a GS.  He is such a sweet man and has done everything to make me feel like part of the family.  I just think that is so selfish of FMIL to make him stay home with no family on a holiday and miss out on seeing his new baby GS.  Plus, he keeps his wife in line, so I was really banking on him coming.  This would mean that it will be 1 man (my DF) and 5 women (including me), on a holiday that involves a lot of cooking, and a new baby.  You see where I'm going with this?  I suggested that DF tell his mom to board the dogs at the vet or a pet motel.  He didn't think that she would do it for her precious babies, but when I told him how unfair I thought is was to his dad (and reminded him about how many women there would be), I saw a light go on in his head and he said he'd talk to them.  I was thinking that my next tactic would be to tell DF that the invite was for all or nothing.  Do you think that's wrong of me?  I would just feel so bad for FFIL to be sitting home alone with 4 smelly dogs, instead of with his family.

        Signed - All Or Nothing?
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frequent fry her - breadandbutterfly Frequent Fry Her TM. - breadandbutterfly/Posted: 23-OCT-06
So the dreaded "Weekend of the Mothers" rolled around.  I spent hours cleaning the house to perfection, despite my fatigue (iron deficiency and back problems), so that FMIL would feel comfortable and have nothing to criticize.  My mom couldn't give a cr@p if the house was messy.  We didn't have a lot of kitchen ware, and one of our only two pots is a massive stew pot that almost takes up the entire dishwasher by itself.  Since the dishwasher was full and running, and FMIL insisted on flying into the airport that was over an hour drive each way (instead of the one that was 5 minutes away) to save some money, I didn't have time to unload the dishwasher and put the pot in.  So, I rinsed it out and put it in one side of the sink.  It wasn't filthy, it just hadn't been sanitized by the dishwasher.  We went to pick her up, and we had just enough time to get back to our house to meet my mom when she drove in.  But, of course, FMIL was hungry and absolutely COULD NOT wait to eat.  And getting a snack at the gas station wasn't good enough.  We had to find a place that she liked.  She kept asking if we wanted to sit down at a restaurant, and DF and I had to remind her 3 times that my mom could be there anytime, and we had to get back.  Once again, the concept that other people need to be considered evaded her.  So, we got her food and kept driving.  The first lovely conversation piece was to criticize and complain about how ugly and horrible the state that we lived in was.  "Why is there all this stuff built?"  "Who wants all this cr@p?"  She kept comparing it to how nice her boring, sleepy little town is, and she just went on and on.  I'm not ultra patriotic or anything, it just irritated me because of all of the pressure she put on me to move to where she lived, despite me telling her that I would be miserable because there would be no way for me to pursue my chosen career there, and I just didn't want to hear it.  She also expected an answer from one of us each time she repeated her pointless questions.  Very annoying.  So she got off that subject and started going on about all of the trouble that she went through to put a nursery together for the baby at her house.  We were supposed to be thrilled, but I was kind of irritated because she had not offered to help us one bit with the stuff that we needed for OUR house.  Not that anyone is obligated to help, but my family and friends provided us with everything that we needed for that baby, and she spent a lot of time and money on stuff for her house?  Kind of weird, but whatever.  Then she went on about how proud of herself she was because she had saved DF's cloth diapers, found them and bleached them.  I'm sorry, but I had to laugh because WHO SAVES 26 YEAR OLD DIAPERS????  They were for use at her house, by the way.  She wasn't going to give them to us, even though we needed more diapers.  And she went ON and ON to DF about how marvelous it was of her.  That's when she said it.  The thing that made all of the warning sirens go off in my mind.  I had been listening quietly to her and DF talk (I wasn't really included in the conversation), and this is what she said to him (in a very loud bragging voice) that turned me red,"Who can say that they wore their daddy's diapers?  OUR baby can!  That's who!"  Our baby?  OUR BABY?  She wasn't saying "our" as in DF and me, she was saying "our" as in DF and HER!!!  I wanted to jump off a cliff right there.  Besides, I'm sorry, but NOBODY would brag about wearing their parents' diapers.  Not that it's bad, but it certainly isn't something that ANYONE but her would take pride in!  So I was irritated, but I figured I'd just stay cool and talk to DF about it later.  We got back to our place (finally), and luckily my mom and her dog were running late.  They got there about 15 minutes after we got back.  The moms met and greeted each other very happily, and it seemed nice.  My mom's little dog got very excited and started to play with our dog.  My mom thought this was very cute and got excited.  I happened to just catch my FMIL giving the most condescending and snobby facial expression, complete with raised eyebrows and shifting eyes, about my mom getting excited.  That pissed me off.  My mom is a little strange and can be quite high pitched, but she's not dumb and she's very sweet.  Then, I was showing my mom around, and when we got back to the living room, we couldn't find DF and his mother.  I opened my bedroom door, and she was lying in my bed having a private conversation with DF.  Kind of rude, as my mom and I were only gone for a minute.  Well, DF and I had made reservations at one of our favorite restaurants because my mom really wanted to eat at.  But that was too late for FMIL to eat.  We had to find some other place to suit her, even though the rest of us really wanted to go.  We ended up driving around, not finding a good place until it was time for our original reservation anyway.  So I made an executive decision that we were going to eat as originally planned.  It was a fondue place, and very nice.  FMIL was very rude to our waiter, demanding things of him and speaking to him in a degrading tone.  For the main course everyone picks the things that they want to eat, and everyone shares a pot with sauce to cook it in.  DF is a vegetarian, but nobody else, including FMIL, was.  My mom and I wanted to order a meal with chicken and meat in it, which meant that it would be cooked in the same pot that DF's vegetables would be in.  DF didn't mind because it was boiling, and he knew that he would not actually be consuming the meat.  But, for some reason, FMIL decided that this was unacceptable for HER vegetables.  She's not even a vegetarian!  DF is, and didn't have a problem with it.  But MIL did??  It didn't make any sense.  So, to compromise, I told her that we would take turns.  I was 8 months pregnant, but I would wait for her to finish eating before I would cook my food.  This would allow her to be picky for no reason.  DF was embarrassed, to say the least.  After the meal she then proceeded to insist of paying half the bill (my mom insisted on paying the other half), and then complained about the cost.  Whatever!  I just kept telling her how nice of her it was and that I was grateful.  We got back to our place and she announced that staying at our home (for the ONE night that she was there) would not be good enough for her.  Even though we had plenty of room and an inflatable bed, that was not good enough for one night and we needed to take her to get a hotel room because she had to have her own space.  Fine.  I suggested a place that I had stayed at a couple of times.  It was cheap and clean, and we took her there.  DF walked her up to her room to help her get settled in.  But when he went to leave, she gave him puppy dog eyes, like she was going to cry.  He told me that she looked sad and scared (poor, poor thing - NOT).  So I told him to just stay with his mom.  Well, she learned a lesson about having to have her own way, because when they drew back the blankets, the sheets were filthy!  DF changed the sheets and stayed with her until she fell asleep.  Then I came to pick him up so that he could sleep in his bed and not on the floor.  The next day, right before she left, she made sure to criticize the fact that the big pot was in the sink.  "Do you have a dishwasher?!"  I knew what was coming, because she was standing in front of the dishwasher looking at it.  DF said, "Yes."  She answered, "WELL, DO YOU USE IT?!"  Okay.  One huge pot (that she gave us) was left out.  Everything else was spotless.  What a nice way to say good-bye to your son.  But, one good thing did come out of the visit.  She actually asks about me when she calls now, after she asks about the dog.  Thanks for letting me vent.  I know that she's not nearly as bad as others, but I've been irritated at her for weeks.

        Signed - The End of Part Two
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frequent fry her - breadandbutterfly, 1 of 4 needed Frequent Fry Her TM. - breadandbutterfly, 1 of 4 needed/Posted: 29-SEP-06
This is the story of the first time that I met my FMIL.  She came to visit us a little after we found out about the baby.  First, she just couldn't believe that I actually wanted a girl!  That was annoying, but whatever.  Then she had to mention quite a few times the name (the boy's name) that she really liked and would name him.  1.  It was a hideous name and I would NEVER name my child that.  2.  It was a name that was very obviously from her religion.  My DF and I are from different religious backgrounds, and neither of us practice or associate with the religions that we grew up with.  It just irked me because she really wanted us to name our child something that only represented her family and not mine, even though my family has done SO much more for us and our unborn child.  She then started trying to convince me to move to her state.  DF and I were living all the way on the other side of the country, and were planning on moving closer to both of our families, who both lived on the same side of the country.  It wasn't enough for her that we were moving a few thousand miles closer, it had to be in HER state (remember, this was the first time that she met me, too).  I politely told her that as I am very young and feeling very scared about being a mother, I really needed to be closer to my own DM because she and I are very close and she is my support system.  Her answer was, "Well I CAN be a support system."  Um, yea, lady, I just met you and you're going to be better than my own mother?  Sorry, no.  My DF stands behind me 100% and supported us moving near my family so that I have some comfort when I need it.  So that wouldn't have been so bad, except that she wouldn't drop it.  During her five day visit she said, almost every day, to either DF or me, "Maybe you'll really like X State."  I reminded her every time that it wasn't about liking a place, because I liked where we lived then.  It was about needing my family and friends for emotional support at a very scary time for me.  Despite these annoying pushes from FMIL, we had an overall nice time with her.  This was also despite my BIL's attempts to sabotage his DM liking me (he's a whole other story).  She left with both my DF and me feeling pretty good.  What started to bug me after that was when we found out that we were indeed having a DS.  Besides having to hear, "I told you so," she also decided that she didn't really like the name that we had picked out for him.  She thought that it was a girl's name.  It isn't, it's a unisex name and we both we really like it.  We thought that it was perfect because it's not a very common name, but it is a word that came from DF's family's religion.  Well that wasn't good enough for FMIL.  She decided to call up my DF with a list of names that SHE had picked out instead.  She never bothered to discuss them with me, THE MOTHER, just with DF.  I started to sense at this point that she might be a little worse than I had thought.  DF listened to her list, then reiterated that he is OUR son, and we have already picked out a name.  When she protested, he said, "You should just feel lucky that it has anything to do with "X religion" at all."  She didn't understand what he meant.  Remember me?  The mother WHO IS NOT PART OF THEIR RELIGION??  So he reminded her that my family isn't from her background and I could have insisted upon a name from my family's religion, but I didn't.  Instead, I agreed to figure out a name that was related to their family background.  She knocked it off with the names after that.  She really just has a bad case of what I call "stuck in your own bubble".

        Signed - I Get To Name My Own Baby
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frequent fry her - breadandbutterfly, 2 of 4 needed Frequent Fry Her TM. - breadandbutterfly, 2 of 4 needed/Posted: 29-SEP-06
When DF and I found out that we were having a baby, we live on the opposite side of the country from our families and had started to have some real financial problems.  We both had commitments to fulfill before we could move to a more affordable area of the country.  My DM (who is the most awesome mother anyone could ask for) had gone BEYOND bending over backwards for us.  DF's family helped too, but not nearly as much, and there was always a long guilt trip followed by "we love to help, it's our job as parents!"  I actually really like these people and am really grateful to them, but if there's always going to be an emotional roller coaster when they offer to help, I would rather they just not help at all.  Anyway, so I found out that I was pregnant and was really happy, despite being really young and broke.  I couldn't afford internet or a telephone, even though I worked 3 jobs, so my mother bought me a cell phone and a very basic plan so that I could keep her updated on the pregnancy while we got ready to move in a couple months.  Well, FMIL decided that this was an open invitation for her to call it EVERY DAY to talk to her son.  I barely used the thing (I hate telephones) and never used up all of the monthly minutes.  But, when FMIL started calling every day, she would talk to her DS for 2 hours at a time!  I started to get really annoyed that she would do this without thinking about who was paying for it,  She would leave messages for him ON MY VOICEMAIL.  The worst was that they didn't acknowledge me at all.  It was never, "Hi (my name), I'm trying to get a hold of my DS.  It was always annoying messages like, "HI (DF's name), it's your mother.  Call me!"  I know that it seems petty, but one month it ended up costing my poor DM (who had already worked extra hours to help us out, even though she works 7 days a week) $300 extra because of FMIL.  DF didn't even have access to my voicemail, so I would always have to be secretary and FMIL would get upset when DF hadn't gotten her messages.  Plus, nobody offered to pay my DM back (and they are quite well off).  My mother, being the kind and giving individual she is, never asked.  I hadn't even met her yet, but I already knew that things were not going to be easy.  I told DF that it had to stop, and he told his parents.  They did stop for a while, but then it started right back up again.  Even now that we are in a better situation and DF has his own phone, they will still call mine first!  It drives me nuts!  They are really nice people and I do like them, but sometimes FMIL doesn't seem to think outside of her world and her family to consider other people, and it really gets to me.  This is just the beginning, though.

        Signed - Quit Calling My Darn Phone
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frequent fry her - breadandbutterfly, 3 of 4 needed Frequent Fry Her TM. - breadandbutterfly, 3 of 4 needed/Posted: 9-OCT-06
I just found out that one of my DF's ex-girlfriends called my FPILs looking for him.  He broke up with her and apparently never really got over it.  So what did FMIL do?  She gave him our number and now she's been calling.  I'm giving birth to our first child in a couple of weeks.  Thanks FMIL, great timing.  Signature: Just What I Need.

        Signed - Just What I Need
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frequent fry her - breadandbutterfly, 4 of 4 needed Frequent Fry Her TM. - breadandbutterfly, 4 of 4 needed/Posted: 22-OCT-06
I want to reiterate (mostly to myself) that I know that my FMIL isn't evil, and she does mean well.  I think that she's just on her own planet and doesn't really think about how certain things that she does and says are really inconsiderate and pushy.  This site has really helped me cope, because it's made me feel lucky that she's not just plain nasty.  I am also lucky because I've figured out how to make sure that DF is on my side and he has talked to her (a will do so in the future).  FFIL has also been mediating, bless his heart.  So with that intro said, I just need to vent about things that happened during her last visit.  She is a very needy person.  The only thing that she has ever known has been her work and children.  She never traveled until her children moved to far away places, and she hates to leave home.  She has to be in control of her environment, and going to visit other peoples' homes means that she has to be flexible.  Needless to say, she can be very demanding and needy when she comes to visit us, and it takes a lot to accommodate her.  That's fine, though, I can deal with that and even understand.  She couldn't make it to my baby shower (she just COULDN'T leave the dogs!!!).  So she decided (without talking to DF or me first) that she was going to have a party at her house, while I was 8 months pregnant.  She wanted us to drive 12 hours to visit her for the weekend.  I said that I just couldn't be in the car for that long because I've been having back problems, and I wasn't supposed to fly this late in my pregnancy because I have a heart murmur.  I felt bad that she was disappointed because it was a nice gesture on her part, but not too bad because she should understand not wanting to travel when you're that pregnant and should have talked to us about it first before making a bunch of plans.  Plus, when my DF asked her who exactly she was planning to invite (there are only a couple people in their family, and most of them are very far away), it wasn't family.  It wasn't DF's friends.  It was HER friends, whom DF either doesn't know or really doesn't like.  Of course, I don't know any of them at all.  NOT worth driving 12 hours for 2 days.  Sorry.  So, to let her know that it wasn't personal (although I'll admit here that it kind of was because of the stress she gave me from our last visit to her house) I told DF that he was welcome to invite her to come down and visit US for a long weekend, as even with her travel anxiety, it is easier for her to travel.  She accepted our invitation, which made me anxious.  But I knew that it was important to DF to spend time with his mother.  Sometimes his attachment to his DM bothers me, but I let it go because he will stick up for me, isn't totally blind, and I know that him treating her so well is a mirror of how he treats me.  However, DF is also kind of an idealist.  He thought that it would be great if we invited my mom to visit for the weekend, too, since our moms had been having nice chats on the phone.  My mom is awesome, and I love her to death, but she can be very absent minded and gets very easily stressed out and anxious.  Two neurotic mothers on one weekend?  Now I'M really stressed out.  But I decided to indulge DF and just give it a shot, as it seemed to mean a lot to him.  This is getting long, so stay tuned for part two.

        Signed - Stay Tuned
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