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Frequent Fry HerTM
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Lost And Found
Age: 45       MIL Age: 87


The Chronicles of the Shunned
for healing and a good life without them.

frequent fry her - lost and found Frequent Fry Her TM. - lost and found, 1 of 4 needed, Posted: 10-MAY-07
MIL does not like me.  It is apparent, and she has shown it to me for 16 years.  DH and I are on the brink of breaking up and the vultures are circling, aiming for the jugular.  Background:  We have a blended family:  Two children are mine, 2 children are his, and we have one child together.  That, in itself, has presented lots of turmoil in our lives, and emotional nonsupport and negative undermining from family members has made many issues hard for us.  MIL used to visit us frequently, causing lots of trouble and unbearable stress.  Anxiety of the impending doom lingered weeks before, during and after the actual events.  Consistently she failed to summon up the courtesy to inform us of her arrival date, duration of stay, number of visitors accompanying her and plans/agenda for the stay at our house.  While visiting, it was tradition for other in-laws to drop in unannounced on us, per her invitation.  In other words:  IL's agenda ruled and we were treated as guests in our own home.  One specific jewel comes to mind, which caused a 10 year famine on my family.  Later on I will elaborate more about that in another story.  Today I would like to focus on the actual event that brought the wrath of the gods upon us.  Here it goes:  My sister and brother were due to visit from Europe.  They had never been here.  The trip was planned and anticipated, date set, tickets bought.  ILs announced their visit.  DH was waffling around for weeks leading up to this, as I was hoping and requesting for a day or two in private with my sibs, due to the fact that I had not seen them for several years.  MIL and FIL, who are both retired from their jobs, arrived on the very same day that my sister and brother landed on this soil.  MIL wasn't happy!!!  She wanted to do (our?) laundry, which there was very little of, and she got right into making supper.  In those days I was led to believe that only MIL could feed the family, and in respect to DH's wishes, I let her roam the kitchen to keep the peace and foster her sense of purpose.  My sister, brother and I visited.  It was very awkward, because having been raised in a culture that is very strict about respecting elders, we did not speak to each other a lot in our native language, due to the fact that FIL, DH, and MIL were in the room and they were not as fluent in our native language as we were.  I caught myself several times apologizing to FIL, translating back and forth and feeling very tense and uneasy as not to make anyone feel excluded.  MIL did not like us visiting at all.  She put on the TV and turned up the volume to the point where conversation was impossible, while carrying on in the kitchen with supper (all three rooms pertaining to this story are adjoined, open).  DH and I froze.  My brave sister calmly walked over and turned the TV volume back down.  As all of this was going on and the air was thick with disbelief and suppressed anger, DH and I, as always, were standing at attention, tails wagging, in anticipation of the possible upcoming award of some of the lesser duties to assist in a successful presentation of the "greatest and best" meal ever.  My sister also helped, and there would have been no issue whatsoever for us to whip something up ourselves rather than face a life of starvation, as we all are excellent and established cooks.  MIL called my sister and me lazy.  When my sister politely refused a piece of MIL's homemade bread at the dinner table, MIL told her (my sister) that she WOULD be eating what she (MIL) put on her table.  It wasn't her table.  That evening was a sad one, like the whole visit, and there were many more IL visits like it.  That specific visit ended abruptly the following day.  On that terrible day, charged by the events of the previous day and whatever mysteries unbeknownst to us that may or may not have happened at BIL's house on the visit prior to ours, MIL had a fit.  A total, hysterical fit.  She got out of bed, got dressed, and out of the blue announced to my sibs and me, "You are Heathens!"  She packed up and left.  My English language skills in those days did not enlighten me as to what a Heathen was?  FIL told me that MIL was wrong to say this, and to not pay attention to her.  DH told his mother not to talk to us in that way.  My sibs didn't understand what she was calling them.  MIL left, and the punishment phase was about to begin.  Part II will follow soon.

        Signed - The Healing Has Begun
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frequent fry her - lost and found Frequent Fry Her TM. - lost and found, 2 of 4 needed, Posted: 11-MAY-07
The Chronicles of the Shunned (Part II).  MIL felt mistreated at our home, and left, and that was the end of it.  Feeling totally innocent, we thought that if we continued to just be kind to her, woo her, and tolerate whatever she cooks up, she will come around?  Boy, were we naive, quite the opposite happened!!!  As mentioned, FIL did come to our defense, and through the grapevine we heard that FIL kept defending us.  Unfortunately, that did absolutely no good.  SIL (who is another MIL in training) decided that she was going to bring upon us the "evil shunn".  The "evil shunn" lasted 10 years, where she drove right by our house and did not visit us.  Mind you, I had not met her, and had repeatedly voiced my desire to get acquainted with my new family and to meet all of my DH's sibs, as is custom in all nontoxic families.  SIL drove right by our house to visit BIL, MIL, and others.  None of them remotely felt even the slightest urge to call, invite us or include us.  Family gatherings took place several times, on different occasions and settings, and it was always mentioned after the fact how great it was.  BIL (another MIL in training, the youngest and most conniving) reached out in his great desire to do "good works".  He hired my DH's ex-wife, who was giving us problems (as a total different bag of worms) regarding her 2 kids, who were living with us at the time.  I don't know whether this was in direct response to his mother being miffed at our house or if it was just a way to show me that he considered my DH's ex more part of the family than me.  His DW was very close with my DH's ex, and stirred the pot for us on several occasions.  A wedding picture of DH's and his ex was on display for many years at MIL's house, even after DH and I were long married.  Both of my DH's brothers have repeatedly violated our home by showing up unannounced and demanding to be wined and dined.  In return, when things were not just so ( not enough fried squash, but plenty of other things on the table), they bashed us behind our backs, even though they were the rude offenders by not announcing their visit and not giving us the time to plan and prepare properly, as they always show up in packs of 5 or more.  The Nerve.  Of course, MIL, the Great, eventually was wooed back into our life with a lot of sucking up by DH, and continues to this day to disrespect our home, marriage, children, and beliefs.  She keeps causing havoc by maintaining all the above mentioned (in Part I and II) mannerisms.  As a result of the "Heathen" incident, DH convinced me to leave my religion behind and join the same faith as his family.  There is more to come.

        Signed - The Healing Has Begun
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frequent fry her - lost and found Frequent Fry Her TM. - lost and found, 3 of 4 needed, Posted: 11-MAY-07
The Chronicles of the Shunned (Part IV - note, Part III tomorrow).  This one is going to be short, as all my other parts of this story are long-winded.  Hopefully, I was able to portray the toxicity, close-mindedness, and absolute unison in all evil deeds that family members have to endure to establish and maintain their pecking order in a family like this.  That brings me to recall another event of happy tap-dancing, and this one definitely established my position well.  After this, I surely wouldn't have any doubts, just in case there ever were any doubts, LOL.  I sure wish they would quit insulting my intelligence.  Here it goes:  The 60th Wedding Anniversary of MIL and FIL.  Feelings of uneasiness, nausea, queasiness and obligation caused me to question DH extensively about the plans regarding MIL and FIL's 60th wedding anniversary.  The word was that it wouldn't be celebrated because not all children and family members were able to attend a great big celebration.  So, it would be a quiet dinner for them with limo ride, another couple (friends) and no family attending.  We sent our card, gift card, flowers and well wishes, and everything good.  The next thing I was told was that BIL #1, the one who travels, wanted to visit, and the clan would make their usual rounds visiting everyone with the usual stressers and attitudes already covered in these stories ad nauseum.  Boy, was I looking forward to that!!!  SIL called and chitchatted with me and asked me whether I was coming to BIL's house.  I declined, because I wasn't aware of anything going on at BIL's house, and it has always been my firm belief that if BIL, or anyone else for that matter, would want me at his house, he would surely call me and invite me?  The next thing I heard was that DH was summoned over to BIL's house for dinner while the ILs were visiting.  The whole clan was there, and the presence of the children was requested (only DH's with the ex's children).  Pictures were taken, with and without spouses.  Group pictures.  Everyone was in a festive mood.  The next day, BIL's work place was toured, and DH's ex was greeted by family members whom I hadn't even met yet.  The same evening, everyone was together at BIL's house again for dinner to celebrate, and my DH and "his" 2 children were the only ones from our side.  My stepson actually asked where I was (bless his heart).  As people were heading out, SIL called me and said that she was thinking about me?  A few weeks later, I was mailed newspaper excerpts covering the IL's 60th Anniversary that was celebrated at BIL's house in "name of town", and I was the only one not invited.

        Signed - Go Figure
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( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )

frequent fry her - lost and found Frequent Fry Her TM. - lost and found, 4 of 4 needed, Posted: 12-MAY-07
The Chronicles of the Shunned.  (Part III).  A few days back I wrote a story about my DD's wedding.  It hasn't been posted, so I will write again as it finalizes my Stories of the Shunned, and really tips the iceberg concerning my IL woes.  My conclusion in researching this site and learning about others like myself, and writing and reliving my own personal he!! with these toxic people is a sad one.  I have discovered that my DH never really stood up for me, and probably never will.  It saddens me to no end, and I will need to make some decisions regarding my future, and look into what my options are.  It is very unfortunate that I have stuck a lot of unselfish energy into this relationship.  Because of this, my DH of 16 years now has a nice degree, job, house, life, grown kids, excellent outlook on custody for our youngest (he is the breadwinner, and I am a legal alien with no skills).  There should be not one worry for him.  He has all of his vicious family by his side, lurking, advising, conniving and supporting.  This emerging troublesome wife (me) could easily be replaced by a newer, younger version, or heck, maybe the former version may apply as she is still a part of this saga.  Never to mention, the hurdles for me to start from scratch with no education, job, energy.  The power has shifted.  But this wedding business is even for peace-in-world-oriented DH a hard one to swallow.  Even he has to still grow a stomach for it.  And here is the tale of that:  Regarding the wedding, I am writing all this to find some relief and this is the current state of events to this date.  My DD is getting married.  This is my DD.  She was never accepted by MIL or all the others like her, shunned and mistreated over the years.  DD doesn't have birthdays, no presents or mention of her any other time, just the usual nastiness that so many kids have to endure from those kind of self-centered bullies.  My DH, who is her step-dad, has always loved DD and treated her kindly.  DD is 22 and wants a wedding with family and friends.  She planned it herself at a ranch (BBQ, easy and cozy).  Invitations went out.  In a nutshell, here is the breakdown of responses:  Actual Projected Attendance:  Zero.  Responses to the Invitations:  One (SIL actually called and choked out a congratulation wish).  She did not want to RSVP, as she was waiting for other events to unfold, too early to commit.  After a specific announced visit to their house and some coaching on DH's and my part (what were we thinking?), MIL bought a card with money and gave my DD a phone call to tell her, "Congratulations," and that she and FIL would not be attending the wedding.  Through the DH grapevine, I heard that BIL (#1) would not be able to make it to the wedding, but due to the fact that he was traveling that he would see the nuptials the following weekend at our house.  He promised that he would make up for it, as his trip involved other commitments and was planned way before DD's wedding.  Lo and behold, SIL called again to tell me that she could not RSVP yet, but she wanted to know whether she could come the weekend after the wedding, in case she couldn't make it to the wedding (WTF?).  She wanted to know whether we could put up a blowup bed.  She would be arriving with 4 people.  BIL#1 wanted to visit the weekend after the wedding for reasons mentioned above, and he did not want to travel with 4 people, as previously arranged.  But he wanted to include MIL and FIL, bringing the total up to 6.  Two days before the end of the RSVP time, when SIL was still waffling around the RSVP issue, I lost my temper and good composure and told her that several of her family members and/or their significant others to this date have not learned how to use a telephone.  Even if people could or would not make it to the wedding, they did not have the decency to call and congratulate either DH or me, or my DD and/or her husband to be.  Two BILs (#2 & #3) called 10 minutes apart from each other later on that night.  I did not answer my phone, and neither did my DH because we were at the emergency room being evaluated for chest pains (DH).  This chest pain issue kept us focusing on more important things than that annoying wedding hoop dance.  For two days we were out of the loop, for I had to travel to my DH's city of work (he has an apartment there during the week while he works, and only comes home on weekends).  We stayed at the hospital for observation with cell phones off, and DH was found to have nothing life threatening wrong with him.  He will be checked out further by his personal physician, details yet to be discovered.  While this was going on, the RSVP time had elapsed (total RSVP time given was 30 days), and three of the hoodlums could and/or would not get through to us.  One of them (BIL#2) called my DD to congratulate her.  He said that they couldn't make it to the wedding, and that was as a direct result of me blowing my stack with SIL, who probably chewed them another exit hole,  I guess the original plan was to keep us guessing till the actual day?  The other BIL (#3) in question never bothered to follow up with DD.  I guess congratulations are NOT in order for my DD and/or us.  Another invited niece never responded, so, NO, no well wishes from there either.  SIL, after RSVP time had elapsed, still didn't know what to do?  DH grilled her (maybe he was getting annoyed???, oh wonder of wonders).  She eventually decided that she would come for DD's wedding to help me out, but she cautioned us that her GC may fall sick and that she may have to cancel and come a week later.  That nerve.  Boy, am I counting on her.  At the same time, I was advised by SIL that I HAD to come to BIL#3's house (the same BIL who repeatedly hired my DH's ex to spite me, and did not have the decency to congratulate/acknowledge my DD's wedding, and to this day hasn't had the time to introduce his new wife to me - they're together for 1 1/2 years).  Yes, I was cautioned that I had to appear at BIL's house so that everyone could be together, the family, all of them.  AHEM:  How about - Thou shall not invite guests to other people's homes?  More on that in part IV.

        Signed - I Was Cautioned
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