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Frequent Fry Her
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BabyBeware
Age: 36

frequent fry her - BabyBeeware Frequent Fry Her TM. - BabyBeware/Posted: 28-FEB-10
On the evening that we announced my pregnancy, DM commented that she didn't understand why people feel so bad when they miscarry in the first trimester, since the baby isn't meant to be.  She continued with a story about a friend of hers whose baby died in-utero in the fourth month.  Poor woman didn't realize it, and carried the baby another month before learning that her baby had died.  I had just entered my second trimester, and had been telling DM that I didn't announce the pregnancy earlier because I was afraid of something happening.

        Signed - I Had Just Entered My Second Trimester
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frequent fry her - BabyBeeware Frequent Fry Her TM. - BabyBeware/Posted: 8-FEB-10
A couple of years ago, when I was pregnant with DS, DH and I had planned to visit my parents for the weekend.  We made the arrangements the weekend before, and planned to arrive on Friday to have dinner together.  On Thursday, Dad called and told us that my sister wanted to prepare dinner for DP with her BF.  Because there would not be enough food, we were requested to show up a few hours later.  I agreed, although I thought that it was quite strange and indeed rude to make such a request.  Meanwhile, earlier in the day I had sent an email to my sister inviting her to the dinner that we were planning to prepare on Sunday for Dad's birthday.  On Friday, we received an email from Sister saying that her BF had found some more venison steaks in a friend's freezer, so we were welcome to come after all.  We might have to divide up the mushrooms they had gathered into small portions, but oh well!  See, the trick of the dinner was that her BF was a hunter and had some frozen elk from the previous season, but not enough for six.  And, apparently, he did not have enough mushrooms, either.  It's just me, but if I were in that position, I would head to a nearby supermarket and get some food.  Maybe it's not elk, but there are places with venison and buffalo.  Just some extra beef would be fine.  Or, they could give smaller portions of elk to everyone, but it's not a big deal.  Anyway, we had already changed our plans to arrive later, so I declined her offer.  We showed up at 8, as requested.  The kitchen was immaculate.  They cleaned of all traces of dinner, which was a little suspicious to me.  Dad immediately asked what our other plans were.  Also suspicious.  When I went to get a glass of water, I saw a half-eaten pistachio cake, my dad's favorite, with "Happy Birthday" on it.  So, it wasn't just dinner, it was a birthday dinner, and we were excluded.  I gently confronted DM on the logic of asking family not to join a family meal.  She protested, "But they wanted to cook elk for us," or something like that.  The next morning, DH confronted Dad, asking whose idea it was to ask us not to come.  DF apparently blushed three shades of red (at least he had the grace to do so) and stammered that it was him.  My sister got off the hook because, after all, she did end up inviting us and we were the ones who turned her down.  It's not unusual, though.  The same sister took Dad away to golf on Father's Day, while the rest of us, his three children, DW, and son-in-law waited at home for them to arrive.  Why that day?  Why not give a golf outing as a gift, and go on another day?  But that's a different story.  BTW, this same DS is a psychiatrist.  You'd think she'd have a clue.  Then again, maybe I'm overreacting and being sensitive.  Maybe it's normal, when you don't have enough of an exotic food, to ask people to delay their arrival so you won't need to serve them.  After all, . . .

        Signed - They Wanted to Serve ELK
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frequent fry her - BabyBeeware Frequent Fry Her TM. - BabyBeware/Posted: 30-SEP-09
Part II  The story then reached a pinnacle when DC's DH, the blood relative to DM, invited DP to meet us for dinner.  DC was not certain, but I was willing to try to resolve this and thought that that would be the only reason they would agree to meet.  Alas, they agree to meet to abuse us in public.  DS was two months old.  DP invited DS and her BF.  When we walked in, and I went to sit across from DF, ever hopeful of a resolution, DM said icily, "That is where DS is sitting."  I went to the end of the table and burst into tears.  For the rest of the dinner, DM made a point of ignoring us, laughing gaily, talking to everyone.  DCs (all three of them, their DD was there, too) didn't know what to do.  But, everyone just let it go on.  Meanwhile, DF was at the end of the table, telling DC - psychologist - how we lied, lied, lied.  We could hear all this whispering and DH's name over and over again.  Incidentally, DF hates this cousin, as does DM.  She is kind and loving, but they really dislike her.  Yet, he told her how terrible we are.  Finally, DH turned and confronted DF.  "If you have something to say, just say it!"  Without meeting DHs eyes, DF replied, "Yeah, I want the title for the car, so I can get that piece of cr@p off my driveway."  Shocked, DH replied, "You're all business, DFIL, aren't you?"  Then everyone shushed him.  DH describes them as people who run up behind you, kick you, and then run away.  They can never confront openly.  It's sick.  So I was devastated.  DC made a final attempt and tried to get DM and me to talk, while she mediated.  A risky move, since counseling family is hard.  It was useless.  DM was so certain she was right, so unwilling to hear.  DC asked us to say one thing.  DM said, "I just cannot get my mind around how someone could not let someone see their GC.  I just cannot get my mind around it."  She holds that we "withheld" DS from her, refused to talk to her.  My other DS kept coming at me via email.  BTW, this DS is a psychiatrist!  She actually wrote, "I have listened to both sides of the story and can act as judge and jury.  You said you didn't want visitors."  Yes, indeed, the woman who visited us in the hospital said we said we didn't want visitors.  DS also said that we refused to talk to each to her.  We finally sat her down and said, "You haven't heard both sides of the story because we didn't tell you.  It is not your business.  And we did try to talk to them.  Do you want to see the evidence of our attempts?"  Despite this, this DS has cooled off.  We moved away when DS was three months old.  I have not spoken to anyone in FOO for over a year.  DB came to our city and never even got in touch with us.  When I contacted him, he said DP were too upset.  I think a dB with an ability to think for himself might have made the trip to see us anyway.  So anyway, DM got everyone on her side, even when there was material evidence against her, and I was vulnerable and postpartum.  My best friend put it well when she said, "Just blame it on hormones and get over it!"  Who had the hormones?  I certainly didn't have the room to be hormonal.  I had to hold it together with all my might to keep myself healthy for my child.  And, what I cannot get my mind around is the willingness to desert and reject an infant, who is related by blood and who did nothing, to get back at the parents.  It makes me sick.  I've read it enough on this site and others, but it makes me sick.  No one except DM and DS, the psychiatrist, acknowledged DS's first birthday or his first Christmas, nor my birthday, for that matter.  We sent small gifts to them at Christmas and not one of them acknowledged it.  I also cannot comprehend a mother acting this way towards her DD.  DM had four children.  She knows what it is like to have a new baby.  So, here is my question:  I am heading back to the US for a month in a couple of weeks.  Trying to live in the "stay connected" spirit my cousin advocates, I told DP I would be in town and offered to see them.  I mentioned that I was available to stay the night.  I knew they would not invite me, because they are so terrified of rejection.  They have time to see us for two days and one night.  Already I am getting apprehensive and feeling like I am returning to the scene of the crime.  I am having panic attacks again, and I haven't had those feelings for about six months now.  DS, the psychiatrist, is getting married in February, and again, we'll have to go.  These two future encounters have stirred a lot up.  Am I crazy to go stay with them?  Will they murder us in our sleep?  Am I actually going to sleep under the same roof as the man who has not spoken to his DD for over a year because she asked him to wait one week to see his GC, when he went on and stayed on vacation, while she was in the hospital?  And, since I'm committed, how to do I protect myself?  What would you do in this situation?  Many people advised me to cut them off, and part of me wonders what is the point of having people like this in DS's or my life.  DC says that they are not dangerous and I have to learn to protect myself from them without cutting them off.  I am just beginning to see a long future of favoritism, ostracism and rejection.  The other part of me says that if I want to be a loving person, I have to try not to give up on people.  Argh!  What is the best choice?  My thinking isn't very healthy or self-confident, having grown up in this dynamic.  You can imagine that there is a history here.  Luckily, DH is healthy and helps me a lot.  I feel sorry for him that he has such terrible ILs.  I know this is long, so thanks for reading.  Any thoughts and suggestions are definitely appreciated.

        Signed - Wish It Were My ILs
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frequent fry her - BabyBeeware Frequent Fry Her TM. - BabyBeware/Posted: 29-SEP-09
Part I:  I started submitting my story in batches, it is so crazy.  Sadly, it is about my DH's in-laws.  ((((((Yes, my FOO.)))))  I'm finding myself in the position to see them again and I am starting to feel panicked.  Last year, I gave birth to DS two weeks late.  I was in labor for three days, and then I had a c-section.  I lost a lot of blood, and almost needed a transfusion.  DM, DF, DS and DB had scheduled a vacation together at exactly the same time, leaving only one DS in the area.  DP live only an hour from where we were.  I had kept them apprised of the pregnancy and labor induction, and even asked if they were still planning on going on their trip, since I would be in the hospital recovering from the birth.  The only thing I did not do was demand or beg that they cancel their vacation.  I do not believe that was my place.  I was hurt, but had to go on with the induction.  I tried to just put it behind me.  It did exacerbate my labor, and I broke down in tears that they were going on vacation while I was suffering, afraid, and laboring with their first grandchild/nephew.  We were unable to announce the birth until the following morning, since I was in recovery from the complicated surgery all night.  DF had left a message on DH's cell phone, as they were boarding the plane, with a comment about how my body was being "stubborn", and that he would keep them posted.  DH called to announce the birth, and they were already at their destination, 1000 miles away.  Fortunately, I had wonderful friends and neighbors, who brought food and company.  I'll always be grateful to them.  The day before DP returned, DF called to say that they wanted to visit us the following day, one week after DS's birth.  Although I was hurt, it would have been ok except for the fact that DH was leaving the country a few days later for business, and I didn't want to deal with DP and then be alone with a newborn while DH was gone.  So, we asked them to come the following week, when DH would be back.  I didn't think it was a big deal, since they had already waited a week, and didn't express any urgency about meeting DS or being with me.  DM had offered to help, a few times, and we accepted every time.  But, when it came down to it, the vacation became the priority.  Or, I didn't beg.  I still don't know what I did.  Anyway, this request caused a huge blowup.  We received hate mail accusing DH of lacking social mores, values and a sense of family (obviously written by DM, but signed by DF).  They accused him of "not allowing" my DP to be with me when I was going into the c-section.  The letter to me basically said that they have to mourn the loss of their DD and GS.  DS accused me of withholding DS from DP, and said that they had been crying in her living room.  Wonderful DH was like, "Crying where?  Where were they crying?  Why were they in your living room?" They threatened to cancel the cell phones that we use (on their plan - at their insistence).  I knew, at the time, that we shouldn't have accepted their offer, but thought I was being crazy to be so uptight when family offers to help.  Having no cell phone would leave a new mother home alone with a baby with no way to contact anyone in an emergency.  We didn't wait to see if they would follow through, but got new phones for each of us.  I turned to a dear older cousin for support.  She is also a psychologist.  She implored me to stay strong and to try to stay connected.  She said that they were having some kind of "storm".  I tried, but it got harder and harder.  Aren't people supposed to take care of you when you give birth?  I don't ask for much from them (maybe that is why this happened), and if they didn't want to be there, fine, but why did they abuse us?  They came for a 40 minutes visit, one week after the day we had suggested.  They were too hurt to come the day we had suggested.  DS was now two weeks old.  DF stared out the window and asked me how much weight I had lost.  They snapped two pictures (which were later used in their Christmas letter, which I never saw or received).  I tried again to invite DM to come visit.  Meanwhile, DS, who remained in town and who was welcomed to the hospital when she offered to come, started telling us that we didn't want visitors.  This became DM's story, and it even swayed DS, who WAS IN THE HOSPITAL at the same time that WE HAD OTHER VISITORS!  Crazy.  DM agreed to visit us, and drove to the city.  When she didn't show up, I called and asked if everything was OK and if she was still coming.  She was FURIOUS.  "There is no #&%ing parking anywhere.  They're cleaning the street.  Nice of you to tell me - and there is no parking.  I've been driving around and around.  I couldn't contact you because you didn't give me your phone number!"  I answered, "Mom, you canceled my cell phone."  DM said, "Yeah!  You gave it to everyone else."  I responded, "You canceled my cell phone!"  DM retorted, "Well, that's because you never answer it and DADDY AND I WERE PAYING FOR IT!"  The vitriol with which she delivered this line was astonishing.  "I told you we didn't need them."  She hung up on me.  I didn't know what else to say to her, and what I said probably wasn't good.  Meanwhile, my psychologist cousin told me, "Send an email to DM and tell her you're sorry the visit didn't work out, and you can try again."  I started thinking that her response was almost unnatural.  No one can act that way in the face of such rancor.  Although, I guess if you imagine DM as completely off her rocker, she has no power to move you.  I don't think I was at that place yet, but it's a worthy goal.  DH and I had asked my parents if we could live with them for six weeks after our lease expired and before we moved.  They agreed.  When I found out that they were stilling going on their vacation, I had a hunch that maybe it wouldn't be good to live with them and we should find a sublet.  We were so fortunate to find one for exactly the time we needed, and right next to a park where I would end up walking with DS.  The cockroaches were not a huge deal, and what's six weeks?  Sure enough, DP never wondered or asked where we were living or if we were OK  DH thinks our need to stay with them was their trump card, and that we'd have to crawl back, begging, but were infuriated when we didn't.  Perhaps.  I just don't know how parents cannot wonder if their DD, who just gave birth, has a PLACE TO LIVE.  I had a newborn, an apartment to pack, and a huge fiasco involving every member of my FOO.  When DM gave up for her visit with us, blaming me for not telling her the streets were being cleaned, even though I lived on the 10th floor, above the trees, and couldn't see the signs, I sent an email, as DC advised.  I kind of said that I need to give up this conflict and concentrate on my newborn son and family.  In return, I got an email telling me that the time for discussion has passed.  Yes, because they rejected our six attempts to invite them to talk, to visit, to resolve this conflict.  She also said that DS wasn't a newborn anymore.  He was five weeks old.  Then, she attached a three page, single spaced letter telling me how she was right and I was wrong.  I said that I didn't want visitors; everyone had heard.  They heard me say that DH was taking a week off work to be with us.  To them, this equaled no other visitors.  They thought it was pointless to wait in their hometown for the birth, so they decided to wait in vacation town, where DS lives.  I actually never read the letter.  DH read it and gave me the main points.  DF has seen my "true colors".  Pretty awful stuff.  And so wrong.  DS flew in to be here for the birth, which I thought was so nice.  It really strengthened our bond.  I never told her that she could not come to the hospital.  Alas, DS wasn't born during the time she was here.  Now this DS has not spoken to me in over a year, even though I said to her face that she was welcome to visit us in the hospital and to meet DS whenever she wanted.  She also got persuaded by the story that we didn't want visitors for one week (conveniently the length of their vacation).  The letter accused us of "setting up" my DP.  We don't even understand what that means, and who is going to do that while they're giving birth for the first time?  Anyway, the argument is so absurd and hurtful that I want to scream.  I think that in two months we have received five or six pieces of hate mail.  Another one blamed me for exacerbating DM's diabetes and DF's diverticulitis.  I am sorry if they are ill, but we tried to RESOLVE everything.  And, how can they demand that I worry about a chronic condition they've had for 20 years, while they caused so many problems while I was recovering from major surgery, a near transfusion, pregnancy, and taking care of a newborn?

        Signed - Don't Even Understand What That Means
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frequent fry her - BabyBeeware Frequent Fry Her TM. - BabyBeware, 1 of 4 needed/Posted: 12-MAY-09
I was 34 when I got pregnant with my parents' first GC.  We waited until my 13th week to announce it, partly in case anything happened, but also so we could tell our parents together, while DH's parents were visiting us for Christmas.  We announced the pregnancy, everyone congratulated us, and we went on with our evening.  A while later, I was talking with DM about the pregnancy.  She asked if anyone else knew.  I told her that I had told my best friend so that we would have support in case anything happened before we officially announced the pregnancy.  Her response, "I don't know why people get so upset when they miscarry in the first trimester.  The baby obviously isn't meant to be."

        Signed - Not Meant To Be
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frequent fry her - BabyBeeware Frequent Fry Her TM. - BabyBeware, 2 of 4 needed/Posted: 25-JUN-09
DH immediately called DP, when we received the hate mail after the birth of DS, and left a message saying that we should talk about the situation.  I sent an email telling them that I was sorry they wouldn't come, but our door was always open.  DF replied, "We received your emails and messages.  A productive discussion is not possible at this time."  A week later, DM emailed, "We would like to come on August 11 at 1 pm.  Is that convenient for you?"  I didn't get the sarcasm until later.  I told them sure, come.  They showed up at our apartment, a two hour drive, stony-faced.  DF held DS for a minute and then passed him to me.  They spent the remainder of the visit staring out the window at the lake.  DM asked what color eyes DS had, as he was sleeping.  I said they were a beautiful blue, like the lake.  DF replied, "The lake is green."  Then, he asked how much weight I had lost (two weeks postpartum).  DH offered cake and coffee, and DF said, "I'm not hungry."  After 40 minutes, they got up to leave, saying to DH, "We'll leave you to your family."

        Signed - They Left Us to Our Family
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frequent fry her - BabyBeeware Frequent Fry Her TM. - BabyBeware, 3 of 4 needed/Posted: 1-JUL-09
My parents left for their vacation destination (with two of my siblings, one of whom is GC) as I was in the hospital giving birth to their first grandchild.  DH told them it was a c-section, but they did not offer to fly back to help, or even ask if we needed anything.  I know I'm not entitled, but they did not even send flowers to the hospital.  My workplace sent some.  A few days after the birth, DF sent a text message to DH asking, "How's the family?"  DH texted back, "Fine.  How's the vacation?"  DF replied, "Good.  We're in line to get into (name of a show)."  I was still waiting for a possible blood transfusion.  A couple of days before their expected return, DF left a message saying that they would return Tuesday (one week after DS birth) and would like to visit us the next day.  DH called back and told DF that that day wouldn't work for us, but that we would welcome them on a day the following week.  DF agreed.  We heard nothing from them until two days before their expected visit, when we received two letters in the mail, one addressed to me, one to DH.  I knew that both were written by DM, but the one to DH was written as if it was from DF and signed by him.  This letter accused DH of not allowing DF to be with his DD at such a difficult time, of not having social mores, common decency or family values, and of not doing the right thing and letting them know the situation, although we have evidence that we did let them know the situation.  It included copies of their cell phone bills, because we were using two of their cell phones at their insistence.  We had tried to decline at the time they offered because 1)  We're adults and can manage our own cell phones, and 2)  I am suspicious of strings.  But, they insisted and I thought it would just round out their family plan.  Alas.  The bills had a number of lines highlighted on it showing that we had called someone else at 5 pm the day our son was born, but NOT them.  Therefore, they are planning to cancel my cell phone.  This was my only phone, so to do so would leave me alone in the house with no outside communication.  Magnanimously, they would leave DH's because he needed it for work.  The letter to me said that I took away their chance to be GPs, that they will have to mourn the loss of me and their GS and son-in-law, and some other things along these lines.  I never actually read it, since I was 10 days postpartum and didn't want to deal with it.  I got the gist from DH.  Oh, and they refused to come on the day we had planned, saying they were too hurt and devastated because they could not come on the day they decided upon.  GC-sister also sent an email accusing me of taking away their chance to be grandparents.  She has not spoken to me since the birth of our son, and has never seen or inquired after her first nephew.

        Signed - I Took Away Their Chance To Be Grandparents
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frequent fry her - BabyBeeware Frequent Fry Her TM. - BabyBeware, 4 of 4 needed/Posted: 18-AUG-09
We announced my pregnancy at 13 weeks.  DM commented, in response to my telling her that I had already told my best friend, so I'd have support in case something happened, that she didn't understand why people were so upset when they miscarry in the first trimester, since the baby isn't meant to be anyway.  She then carried on, telling us about her friend, whose baby had died in utero at the 4th month.  Her friend didn't know that the baby hadn't survived, and carried the dead baby another month.  Now, that is something to get upset about, not the babies that weren't meant to be.  I was just beginning my 4th month.  At 35, I was a little more apprehensive about the health and viability of my baby.  Fortunately, DS is fine, but I was on edge until the moment he was born.

        Signed - I Was Just Beginning My Fourth Month
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